


The taming of the shrew

by Lilly0



Category: Arashi (Band), Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angry Sex, Band Fic, Developing Relationship, M/M, Relationship Problems, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-19 00:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 37,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9409217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lilly0/pseuds/Lilly0
Summary: They share a history of ups and downs, from teenage crushes over not talking at all to accepting each other’s presence. Finally, six months ago, Sho approaches Jun, leading to them getting together. Unfortunately they can’t be in a room together without a fight. What they share though is passion, and the only time they get along is in bed. Then, during a drunk night when Jun vents out his anger, Ohno gives him the contact details of his therapist.At the end, there remains the question: Who actually needs to tame who?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^

 

  
One glance of Sho is basically able to shut him up. And if his glance doesn’t, his lips do. It’s actually the only moment Jun doesn’t talk back to him or allow Sho to provoke him. Moments like this when Sho’s lips roam over his neck and suck at it.  
  
“Don’t leave any marks,” Jun mumbles.  
  
Sho chuckles against his skin, and continues to suck and lick it. The feeling sends shivers up Jun’s spine.  
  
“We have a recording in half an hour.” Jun sighs when Sho licks over that sensitive spot between his neck and shoulder. “I hate turtleneck sweaters.”  
  
“Sh,” Sho says and looks up at Jun now. He covers Jun’s mouth with his hand, smirking slightly before Jun can feel Sho’s full lips sucking at his earlobe. “Thirty minutes are a lot of time,” Sho continues, the fingers of his free hand opening the buttons of Jun’s trousers. “We’ll have plenty of things to do in the meantime.”  
  
Sometimes Jun hates Sho’s guts and the way he treats him. He wants to yell at him, shake him, and sometimes he actually does _exactly_ that. He doesn’t understand why he even agreed on this here, on them dating, or whatever they are doing.  
  
Sho got him in a weak moment a few months ago, but that day he looked so sincere and so strong, and Jun just got swept away, admitting to his stupid feelings. Well, damage is done already. But though he knows he loves Sho, he just can’t fight this feeling.  
  
He hates himself for making it so easy for Sho, for giving in all the time. And unfortunately Sho just has the ability to make them fuck each other’s brains out. Jun is not able to voice even one coherent thought when he has sex with that dude.  
  
He can fight Sho anytime, but not when they are like this. Sho’s hand is still covering his mouth, but his lips are sucking at one of Jun’s nipples now, biting and teasing it, until Jun moans slightly. It’s then that two of Sho’s fingers move past his lips, forcing him to open his mouth. Jun smirks and without further warning he begins to suck at Sho’s fingers, his tongue curling around them, while he makes some very suggestive tones. A sly grin appears on his face when a shiver runs through Sho’s body. He is probably going to get the payback for teasing Sho later, but right now he is beyond thinking… as usual.  
  
Sho’s lips are back to sucking his neck all of a sudden. “You can wear a scarf,” Sho says calmly before Jun can even complain. Talking about payback.  
  
And with that it’s set.  
  
Jun hates Sho, and loves him so much at the same time. It drives him nuts.

 

 **A/N** : Welcome to my new multi-chapter <3 This time it's Sakumoto. The chapters will be rather short (originally it was planned as a drabble series. The chapters are a bit too long te be drabbles though)  
We'll have a lot of complicated feelings here. Typical Sakumoto, I guess? :D  
 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^

  
Recently, when Jun looks in the mirror he doesn’t quite understand the man who is looking back at him. He wonders where his weird behaviour comes from. It’s never been like that before… _He_ has _never_ been like that. Of course he has his issues and a slight temper, always had them, but he has never wanted to deliberately hurt someone with words. He had a few relationships and during none of them he was such an annoying prick like he is with Sho. It drives him nuts to know how easily irritated he gets, and how he can’t stop himself from getting into all those arguments. The man looking back at him in the mirror is a mystery to him.

“I can’t believe you!” Jun huffs in disbelief. “I’ve cancelled all my appointments today, just so we could meet and you tell me last minute that you have work!?”

Sho sighs, like it wasn’t him who messed up. “I told you I’m sorry. I can’t change it, really. Don’t make a drama out of this Jun-san.”

The fuck with this idiot. “You know what,” Jun hisses. “Do whatever you want. I’m going to have dinner in that restaurant!”

Sho frowns. “With whom?”

“Are you even serious?” Jun blurts out. “You are the one who cancels last minute and then you want me to stay alone at home?”

“That’s not what I said!” Sho gives in to his anger too, and yells back. “I’m sorry I don’t like my boyfriend to meet someone else.”

“Oh, so I am your _boyfriend_ all of a sudden? It’s weird how you beat around the bush on other occasions concerning that topic.”

“You can be such an annoying diva, Jun.”

“You didn’t just say that!” Jun crosses his arms in front of his body. “I tell you what, I’m so going out tonight!” To be honest, he originally just wanted to go to the next konbini and grab something to eat, then come home, invite Nino over and just go on a two-hour rant about how stupid Sho is (normally the perfect chance for Nino to join his rant, just that it includes Aiba rather than Sho). But with the way their talk developed he just wants to shove it right into Sho’s face that he is going to have fun tonight.

“And with who?” Sho asks, his voice biting sarcastically.

“Well, Riida is alone at home. I’m just going to pick him up. He is nicer than you anyway!” Sho winces slightly, and Jun takes that moment of speechlessness to stomp off. Okay, that was a low blow, a really low one, he has to admit as much. You never drag your friends into your drama, that’s for sure, and until now Jun has very much lived up to his own rule. Well, he did… until he got together with Sho. He loses his cool, each and every time they argue.  
                                          
Sometimes he doesn't get why he reacts so strongly. It’s like he doesn’t understand himself anymore. Like he is a different person.

 

~~~

 

Ohno is surprised to see him in front of his apartment, but doesn’t question it much when Jun invites him out for food and mojitos.

He gets completely spent with Ohno that night, while he lets of steam and shares probably too many of his private problems. Stupid mojitos. The next day Ohno hands him a business card with the name of a therapist. A certain Toshida-sensei, around 45 years old, married. Focus on couples and love issues.

“You are seeing a therapist?” Jun asks in surprise. “I didn’t know you were feeling so bad.”

“Well.” Ohno shrugs casually and helps Jun prepare some hangover-food. “I met him when I went fishing a year ago. He loves the sea too, and at that time I was going through some emotional troubles. So, while we had our boats next to each other and were fishing, I talked to me. Our first therapy session.” He chuckles. “What I want to say is: I’m not feeling bad. But sometimes when the stress gets too much it’s nice to have someone to talk to. Even Aiba-kun visits one.”

“But-“

“See it as a fancy accessory,” Ohno says happily. “You have someone to clean your apartment, and someone to pick you up for jobs further away, someone responsible for your schedule, why not also have someone who is there when we need some emotional support? It just so happens that Toshida-sensei is a super-casual and cool guy, so don’t freak out. I think it would be good for you to talk with him about Sho.”

Ohno’s casual approaches have always triggered something in Jun and he promises to think about it. He still believes he doesn’t need a freaking therapist though, but the same night he dreams of Sho, and how he sucks him off, and Sho yells his name. _I love you._ Sho would never say something like that. In general Jun isn’t even certain what Sho really feels for him.

Okay, the hell with it. He sets an appointment with Toshida-sensei.

 

 

~~~

_Monday, 7PM, first meeting_

“I can’t believe that I’m the one sitting here now,” Jun rubs his face with his fingers, sighing deeply. “It’s all Ohno-san’s fault. He told me to _talk_ to someone and gave me your number. Didn’t know he was a regular here too. But why do I have to talk, when _he_ doesn’t?”

“You mean Ohno-san?” The man, approximately 45 to 50 years old, pretty tall, and sitting in front of him, is wearing simple jeans and a canary-yellow shirt that made Jun almost run away in shock. His skin his sun-burnt, he probably is outside a lot, and there are wrinkles around his lips. And he smiles, always seems to smile. Jun was actually surprised when he saw him, he thought the atmosphere would be much more sterile than it actually is.

“No.” Jun shakes his head. “I mean Sho-san.”

“And _Sho-san_ is your…?”

“Partner…” Jun frowns “I guess.”

“I see.” The man nods patiently. Then his fingers tab against the desk, before he smiles softly. It’s almost sweet how there are wrinkles around his eyes, when he does so. “You don’t seem to be comfortable here, Matsumoto-san. So, why don’t we move away from my study and into the living room?” he suggests with this friendly grandfather-tone, which Jun slowly begins to fear. It’s the typical casual approach that’s probably going to make him spill too much information. Ohno has that too, this certain grandfather-vibe.

“Is that really okay?” Jun asks. But apparently it is, because the other just nods and smiles, and Jun follows him into his living room. It’s cosy there, not as fancy as in Jun's apartment, but it’s obviously made to make others feel comfortable immediately. Ten minutes later there is music coming from the radio in the background, and Jun has some coffee and a piece of cake in front of him.

 “So, what is going on with this Sho-san?” Toshida asks now, biting into a piece of cake himself.

“Well, basically...” Jun tilts his head. “We are together, I guess.”

“Hm,” Toshida hums. “You have made each of your statements concerning this Sho-san very vague, Matsumoto-san. You said words like _I guess_ each time.”

Jun blinks. “I do?” He pauses. “I mean, I did?”

“Are you his partner?” Toshida asks in return.

Jun blushes.

“You guess?” Toshida asks before Jun can answer, and Jun nods. “Let me rephrase my question then: Do you live together?”

Jun nods.

“Do you have a sexual relationship?”

Again, a nod.

“Do you love him?”

Jun shrugs helplessly, but nods.

“Does he love you?”

Jun gasps at that question, he wasn’t prepared for it at all. He takes some time to recover, trying to search his mind for an answer. “I.” He pauses. “I don’t know,” he finally admits.

“Did he ever say he loves you?”

“No.”

“Never?”

“Never.”

“Hm.” Toshida refills their cups. “Tell me more about how you got together with Sho-san,” he finally says. So Jun does, tells him about the times when they were teenagers, the way they experimented with each other, how dependent he was on Sho, how he basically kissed the floor he was walking on, the inevitable break up of something they never really were, the years in which Jun kept his distance, the way Sho apparently changed throughout these years, until Jun reaches the date half a year ago in his explanation. He leaves out a few painful but important details from their past though, and by the thoughtful glance Toshida-sensei’s throws him, the other probably realizes it too.

Toshida smiles softly though. “When you are ready, Matsumoto-san, I’m going to ask you the same question again. The details you left out now, you’ll tell me then. For now… tell me what happened half a year ago.”

“Normally I always was careful not to be alone with him,” Jun admits. “I’m not even sure why, but breathing was always a bit more difficult when he was around. One day, we were trapped in an elevator. And well… Sho-san suddenly said weird things about how he regrets the way our relationship went and that he would like to start over. And then he hugged me, out of the blue.”

“And you hugged him back?”

“An instinctive reaction!” Jun retorts, blushing slightly when he realizes his defensive tone.

Toshida ignores it though, instead he tilts his head, humming thoughtfully. “So you just got together,” he concludes. “Spontaneously like that, without talking about anything?”

“Yeah…”

“You didn’t talk about anything all? No confessions? No mention about what you mean to each other and how this relationship will work?” he asks further.

“We were never good at talking to each other,” Jun admits quietly.

Toshida smiles sympathetically. He could probably say something alongside the words: _Obviously not_. But instead his next question goes a completely different direction. “What do you think now?” he wants to know. “About the day you got together with him?”

“I can’t believe I let my guard down like that. It’s Sho-san after all. He got me in a weak moment, and in that moment I wasn’t able to think properly. You know, he will always have the same issues, no matter how many years pass, no matter how he changes. He will still have that inner pressure to live up to his family’s wishes, he will always hate the fact that he likes guys, he will always have a temper, hold back his feelings.” Jun frowns deeply, biting down on his tongue before he can actually reveal too much and dig too deep into their past. “It’s so fucking difficult. Why do I need to love him of all things?”

“But you love him?” Toshida wants to know, eyes lighting up like he just found something important. “You still do. Even now?”

"Well..." Jun blinks in surprise for a moment, then he looks away in embarrassment. “Of course. I wouldn’t be together with him otherwise. I hate him for quite some things, but I also love him.”

“Well, that’s something to work on.” Toshida grins. “Another piece of cake?”

Jun smiles half-heartedly. “I guess vodka would be more appropriate right now.”

Toshida chuckles.

 

 **A/N** : Well, here it is, chapter 1. :-)  Sho and Jun had something going years ago, and Sho managed to get Jun in a weak moment, again. (at least Jun feels like it was a weak moment)  But they argue a lot, and Jun has a lot of complicated feelings towards Sho. It's almost like he wants to hurt him on purprose sometimes, isn't it?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

Jun sighs slightly when he comes home from his meeting with Toshida. From now on he will go and see him for at least once every two weeks, if not even once a week. It is a lot, but as exhausted Jun feels after his first appointment with him, he is also relieved to have someone to talk with. Someone who is not his friend, but a neutral person, someone who listens without judging him or Sho. Ohno is right, it’s important to have someone like that.

The atmosphere at home is still heavy. It’s nothing new though. When Jun came home after his night out with Ohno, Sho didn’t say anything. Jun didn’t say anything either. For five days straight they hardly talked to each other.

He wonders if he should tell Sho about his appointments with a therapist, but then he decides to wait… because it’s so freaking embarrassing. How should he even tell that Sho, without making Sho judge him? Still, his talk with that man stirred something in him, weirdly so, and when he comes home he feels uneasy.

It doesn’t help much that Sho is somewhere in this study, only greeting him shortly. Prick.

Jun goes straight to the bedroom, gets rid of his clothes and decides to take a long, relaxing shower and forget about it all for a moment. He wraps a towel around his hips and stretches slightly to relax his tensed muscles. Then he heads for the bathroom.

“Jun-san.”

Jun spins around when he hears Sho’s voice behind him. He is surprised. Since when is Sho actually watching him? And why? But then Jun sees it, clearly, and he can’t help a grin curling his lips. Judging by the look in Sho’s eyes he is still annoyed about their fight from a few days ago, but there is a certain glint in his eyes, and Jun knows immediately that he is checking him out. “Like what you see?” he teases.

“Fucking tease,” Sho grumbles. “And-“

Before he can continue, Jun grabs Sho’s collar and surges forward to kiss him. He can feel how Sho removes the towel around his hips with a tug and pushes him against the wall of the corridor.

Jun turns around, bracing himself against the wall, chuckling when Sho smacks one of his butt cheeks. Sho is good. Actually he is not only a good but a very _skilful_ lover, and Jun just loves having sex with him. Also now he is enjoying how Sho’s skilful fingers work him, fingering him towards his first orgasm that night, while his warm lips roam over Jun’s neck.

“Don’t leave any marks,” Jun manages to breath out when Sho’s scissoring his fingers and sucking at his neck the same time.

“But why?” Sho chuckles, and it sends all kinds of feelings through Jun’s body. “I love everyone to know what’s mine.”

If this wasn’t Sho, it would be so cheesy. Jun however is a sucker for sappy lines like that, one of his best-kept secrets. Hence Sho can leave whatever marks he likes to leave tonight.

“I haven’t showered yet,” Jun points out, his voice shaking slightly.

“Doesn’t matter.” Sho kisses his shoulder blade, moving his fingers out of his hole again. “I’m coming with you.”  
                
Of course he does. Jun throws him a smirk, before he turns around and grabs Sho’s arm to tug him with him. Once the bathroom door closes behind them, he pushes Sho against it, leaning forward to kiss him heatedly. Sho’s fingers soon dive through his hair, softly first, before he grabs some strands and pulls Jun’s head back, preventing him from going further. It hurts a bit, but then, it also feels good.

Sho smirks when Jun’s glance meets his. “We won’t reach the shower like this,” he teases. “And I’m still wearing too many clothes.”

“You talk too much,” Jun grumbles and with deft fingers he rips Sho’s shirt open, smiling contently when its buttons drop to the floor.

Sho pulls his eyebrows up. “You ruined my shirt,” he whispers and it sends shivers down Jun’s spine. “I’ll make you pay.”

Jun moves a few steps back, glad that their bathroom is modern enough to have a shower whose tub is at the same level as the floor. He opens the water tap and smirks. “I dare you to live up to your promises” he teases. “Let’s see if you can.”

Sho smirks and gets rid of the rest of his clothes, then he is suddenly next to Jun, turning him over and pushing him against the wall. It’s slippery but Jun manages to get some grip to hold himself straight. Sho uses the shower gel to slick his entrance up, before he grabs Jun’s hips in a firm grip.

He doesn’t prepare him much and it’s probably going to hurt, but Jun doesn’t mind at all. Sho pushes into him and Jun gasps, resting his forehead against his hands to recover. Sho gives him some time, kissing his neck and shoulder meanwhile.

“Fuck me,” Jun finally demands. “Damn it, fuck me already! What are you waiting for?” Sho obeys almost immediately, snapping his hips forward.

“Harder,” Jun moans. “Oh my god, Sho, fuck me.”

“Jun,” Sho mumbles and bites into Jun’s shoulder, probably to stop himself from going too fast.

Jun smirks, tightening his muscles around Sho’s cock to push him further over the edge. Sho moans loudly, before he wraps an arm around Jun’s waist to pull him closer. “You won’t want to sit down tomorrow, if you continue like that,” he whispers into Jun’s ear.

“I told you.” Jun turns his head to kiss Sho. “You should start living up to your promises,” he repeats teasingly.

“Oh,” Sho sneers. There is that look in his eyes. He is finally in the right place. “I will.”

He will. Jun knows it’s true when Sho speeds up and pushes in and out of him with strong movements. “Yeah,” Jun breathes out, biting into his forearm to stop himself from making too many embarrassing noises. “Faster, Sho, please, faster.”

“Fuck, Jun…” Sho’s right hand moves from his hips to his dick, starting to stroke him, his thumb brushing over the tip teasingly. Damn it. How can Sho still control himself like that and tease him even when he is close to the edge? Jun wants to buck his hips, but Sho’s arm around his waist doesn’t let him. He is basically at Sho’s mercy.

“Ask for it,” Sho demands.

“I-“ Jun licks his lips. “I want to come.”

“No.” He can almost feel Sho’s grin against his shoulder. God, he is so hot. “Ask properly.”

“Please, I want to come.”

“You can do better than that!”

Jun bites his lips. Fuck this tease. But he is beyond thinking right now, and he really wants Sho to pull him off. “Please, Sho-san,” he moans. “Please, allow me to come. Please make me come.”

Sho moves his hand from Jun’s dick to his face and turns it to kiss his lips. “Good,” he says sweetly, and moves his hand back again, this time pumping his dick for real, until Jun feels how any coherent thought leaves him, making him see little stars. He comes with a shiver going through his whole body, while Sho bucks his hips a few more times, until Jun can feel his come filling him up.

Once Sho lets go of his tight grip around his waist, Jun feels how his feet are too wobbly to keep him upright. Before he can drop to the ground though, Sho grabs his arm and pulls him up. He strokes his back soothingly and kisses him softly, before he grabs a washcloth. “I’m going to help you,” he says warmly.

“No thanks,” Jun mumbles still in a daze in the aftermath of his orgasm. “I can clean up myself.”

“Jun,” Sho says surprisingly softly. “No discussions here.”

“Fine,” Jun gives in.

Later that night when Jun is lying in their bed, completely exhausted and already drifting to sleep, he can feel Sho’s arms around his waist and a hand stroking his hip soothingly. He is not sure if it really happens, but it feels like Sho is kissing his neck. “What are you doing to me, Jun?” Sho whispers. “You are so irresistibly cute.”

Did he just call him cute? He has definitely lost it, if he did.

Jun tries to cling to this thought but he can’t anymore. His mind goes blank suddenly, and he falls into a deep, calm sleep. The next morning his body aches, just like Sho promised last night, and he isn’t sure what really happened when they went to sleep.

 

 

 **A/N:** They do have an unhealthy kind of relationship, don't they? But at least they find each other attractive :D Sho just couldn't resist a naked Jun with only a small towel around his hips. Who could blame him? ;-)  
 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

Jun observes the little spider lurking on the window of Toshida’s study intensely. It’s the best distraction; otherwise he will need to look at Toshida directly. Nothing more embarrassing than that.  
  
“I need you to tell me,” Toshida-san moves a bit in his chair and stretches casually, obviously not minding at all that Jun avoids his glance. He is wearing a weird yellow shirt with _I’m your pineapple, dude,_ written on it, and his skin is even more tanned than two weeks ago. Jun assumes he went fishing or surfing again. “You said you fight a lot. But when is the time that you get along best?”  
  
Jun bites into a piece of perfect strawberry cake while the little spider is poking a ball of dust. It likes games, it seems. Reminds him of Nino. “In bed,” he admits.  
  
“You mean when you get intimate?”  
  
“If you want to call it that way…” Jun looks away from the spider and eyes his cake, feeling slightly embarrassed. Screw Ohno for setting this here up. “I… the sex we have is good…”  
  
“What do you like about it?” Toshida pushes the topic further, mercilessly so. When Jun shifts around uncomfortably, the man rephrases his question. “Is it particularly emotional or soft?”  
  
“Emotional, yes. Soft, no.” Jun shakes his head. Today Toshida has also offered tea to him, which Jun happily accepted. Now he finds himself stirring the spoon in his cup nervously. “We don’t do much vanilla sex. I guess we are so emotional in these moments that we get swept away with our mood and feelings.”  
  
“Tell me about it,” Toshida demands. “How often do you get intimate? More than once a week?”  
  
“Yes.” Jun nods.  
  
“So there is some initial attraction between you. This isn’t bad, Matsumoto-san.” Toshida tilts his head. “Do you argue before?”  
  
If Jun could, he would blush even further. “How did you know!?”  
  
His therapist just smiles and puts incredible seven pieces of sugar into his own cup of tea. “Comes with my job?” he offers softly.  
  
Jun nods slightly. That makes sense.  
  
“So?”  
  
“Yeah, most of the time we fight beforehand, and yell at each other. I told you Sho has this intense temper. And I’m not on the calm side either,” Jun admits carefully.  
  
“Where is the difference?”  
  
That dude just knows which questions to ask, doesn’t he? Well, either that’s good or bad, depends on the way you look at it. “He yells, raises his voice, and he knows what to say to hurt me. And I am rather on the very sarcastic side, provoking him, and I guess I know how to hurt him too. To summon it up, I would say: He can turn into a seemingly heartless jerk, and I into a dramatically bitchy person? I would say that’s just us. We are not like that with other people though.”  
  
“I see.” Toshida opens a box with cookies and offers them to Jun. He seems to be the type of man who thinks that everything is easier when you have something to eat in front of you. Well, maybe he is right. “So when you have sex, you vent out your anger and your frustration with how your relationship is going.” It’s a statement, not a question, and all Jun can do is nod.  
  
“It’s messed up, isn’t it?” Jun asks carefully. “I’ve never been like that before. I’ve had relationships and all of them were different than this one. It’s not only Sho-san. I’m the problem too. I don’t like the things I say to Sho-san or the way I react. It’s like I don’t know myself. But at the same time I just can’t stop myself from saying the things I say.”  
  
“This might come from the fact that you have been knowing each other for such a long time,” Toshida analyses while biting into one of the chocolate cookies. “Let’s not think about it as messed up though, shall we? You have things to work on, yes, but some things seem to work between you. I think you should rather look on the positive side. Or do you want to give up on him? Because if you want to, now is the time to say so.”  
  
Jun shakes his head immediately, much to his own surprise.  
  
“Well, then, I’d advise you to start a diary.” Toshida smiles happily, almost looking a bit like Aiba with that broad smile of his. “The next time you fight and it leads to you having sex, write it down. Document what exactly you fought about, what the both of you said, how you reacted, and how it led to bed. Also try to describe the way you slept with each other. Was it rough? Who dominated? How did you feel?”  
  
“Are you serious?” Jun asks in shock. “Yeah,” he snorts. “Sounds simple.” He sighs, almost relieved that he doesn’t need to document their last intimate interaction as he was hardly able to move properly for two days.  
  
“Actually.” Toshida chuckles in amusement at Jun’s open sarcasm. “I’m not finished yet.”  
  
“You are not?” Jun eyes the sheet of paper in front of him in resignation. He is taking notes there not to forget anything, though he is pretty sure he won’t forget any of that.  
  
“If in any way possible – I’m leaving that up to you, Matsumoto-san, and only if you are ready – try to get intimate with your Sho-san without a fight.”  
  
“What?” Jun blinks, and at the same time he feels like an idiot. It’s what every other couple normally does, isn’t it? Why does it sound so weird to him? Oh dear, that doctor is so going to think of him as a maniac, like seriously...  
  
But Toshida doesn’t seem the tiniest bit surprised or upset, he just smiles soothingly. “Only if you feel like it. Sex should never feel pressured for you, and you shouldn’t force yourself and act against your own will. But if there is a moment you feel like your Sho-san is so attractive, and you just feel your love for him, or you think _This is it, this is why_ , or you suddenly remember why you like him, act on it.” Toshida leans back. “It doesn’t necessarily need to lead to sex. You could also just cuddle and hug. Just act on it, no matter how, but don’t let it turn into an argument. In case this moment might be ruined by an argument, just don’t do anything at all. Count down from 10 to 1 in your head and do something else. You said you like to cook… this could help distract you.”  
  
Cuddle? Like… oh freaking shit, he has never ever cuddled with Sho consciously. He has the feeling he needs to look up how cuddling even works.  
  
A new stage of awkwardness it seems.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Actually it is easy to fulfil Toshida’s first task, only one week later.  
  
Jun feels Sho’s finger brushing over his back, and between the cleft of his ass teasingly. He hisses slightly in anticipation.  
  
Jun has hung out with Aiba the whole day, and Sho is _not_ jealous, at least that’s what Sho tells him. Right, dude! And though Jun is seriously angry - because being jealous of your own bandmate and friend is a low blow, really, even for Sho - and though he has even thrown three cups at Sho (those ugly banana-shaped cups they won in a holiday resort once) during their petty argument, which results in Sho being obviously and annoyingly jealous, Jun still thinks Sho's weirdly hot when fuming like that.

It’s only a matter of time that he can feel how Sho’s fingers wrap around his neck, pushing their lips together and how his other arm wraps around Jun’s hips to press him against his own body.  
  
Jun lets Sho fuck him against the kitchen table. And he weirdly enjoys it.  
  
  
  
Having sex is fine! But cuddling? How does one even start cuddling? Jun tries to look for a manual in the net, struggling to read through several helping-boards. Blah, just be yourself, blah it’s something so natural, blah, enjoy the moment of quietness. Oh my god, he and Sho are never quiet!  
  
Okay, it seems Toshida has basically given him an unsolvable task, which is probably why he was rather vague about it. But then, Jun assumes, it’s also partly unsolvable because he starts overthinking it, wondering if he wouldn’t come off as weird to Sho when he suddenly jumps him and squeezes him and says something mushy… He might need to get drunk for that, or make Sho drunk beforehand. When the hell is the right moment to show his affection and how does he know that it won’t feel awkward?  
  
At the end of the week Jun is an emotional bundle of tensed nerves. Weirdly enough it doesn’t end in him being particularly irritated, but rather really nervous around Sho. They haven’t fought the whole week, not even once, and Jun feels like he is close to having a freaking mental break-down.  
  
“Jun-san,” Sho says, an earnest frown gracing his normally so pretty face. It’s their free Sunday together, and Jun’s been restless and nervous the whole morning. Even more so as Sho is around the whole day, no work, no distraction. Even his teasing doesn’t bother him right now. He senses only remotely that during the last week Sho sometimes tried to provoke him with intent, probably because he got this weird tension too. “What is wrong?”  
  
“What do you mean?” Jun spins around, dropping the bowl he is holding in his hand. He was about to cook something for them – Toshida’s advice for calming down wasn’t all that bad to be honest.  
  
Sho looks down at the floor, watching how Jun gathers the ingredients that fell down before he gets down as well to help him pick everything up. “Did I do something wrong? You are not even fighting me back,” he asks carefully, apparently Jun’s nervousness pulled him down too. Jun however is surprised. Not because of Sho’s nervous mood, as it’s pretty obvious that it’s Jun’s own fault for passing this unsettling feeling to his lover… but how come that Sho feels something is off when they aren’t fighting? Toshida-sensei will most likely not be happy with that development, will he? “I mean, it’s days that you are so weird around me, and I…well… it’s not because of the last time we had sex, is it? I thought you wanted to do it too, I would never-“  
  
Jun gets up, the bowl still tightly in his hands. “Sho-san,” he interrupts Sho softly before Sho can basically talk himself into a panic attack about apparently jumping Jun out of the blue against his will, because that is definitely not the truth. “I enjoy having sex with you, always. You never even once did anything against my will. And you didn’t do anything wrong at all, I promise.”  
  
“But if it’s not that, what did I do?” Sho frowns. “I know I can be pretty stupid and insensitive sometimes, so please tell me what I did so that I won’t do it again? I want you to talk to me again. Did I say something? Did I hurt your feelings? I’m a bit dense sometimes; you need to tell me, honey.”  
  
Hearing the word _honey_ out of Sho’s mouth makes Jun almost drop the bowl again, and it sends a weird shiver down his back. Not because it sounds cheesy – it weirdly doesn’t – but because Sho has never given him a nickname before. Not even in bed. It’s probably only been an instinctive panic-reaction from Sho right now, but still…  
  
Jun doesn’t linger on this thought too much though, because Sho looks so scared and worried all of a sudden that something inside Jun’s chest clenches painfully. He shouldn’t look that way at all. It’s horrible that he put this look into Sho’s eyes, that it’s his fault he looks so sad and guilty, and scared.  
  
“Sho-san,” Jun says and just hugs him spontaneously, arms wrapped around Sho’s back, pulling him closer. He doesn’t say anything to Sho, he knows if he says something it will probably turn out wrong. Sho’s eyes widen in astonishment when Jun bends forward to kiss him. When he lets go, Sho’s cheeks are flushed and he looks at Jun in sincere surprise, and… a little shy. It’s _almost_ cute. Jun just brushes with his thumb over Sho’s cheek and smiles carefully, before he goes back to the kitchen. He wants to cook soba for them because they both love that and he needs to re-do the noodles now as he spilt them beforehand, but when he takes the cooking spoon up again, he can feel Sho’s hand on his from behind, taking the spoon out of his hand and turning him around. Jun blinks in surprise, but hasn’t time to grasp what’s happening, as Sho pulls him into a soft and warm kiss immediately.  
  
“You can’t leave me hanging like that,” Sho says teasingly, and smiles.  
  
This time it’s Jun who presses Sho against the counter, it’s him who leads their little intimate moment. They have sex in their bed, which hardly ever happens, and Jun is surprised by how willing Sho lets him take him. It feels like his heart swells slightly with joy when he feels how Sho wraps his legs around his waist, how he throws his head back, exposing his beautiful neck, how he bites his lips not to make too much noise. Jun loves these lips. Sho is so beautiful.  
  


**A/N** : I don't know why, but somehow I think 'cuddling with Sho' would freak Jun out completely. And I have this image of them always addressing each other formally with -san. (until Sho slips and uses 'honey' :D) - it looks like deep inside Sho wants to have a mushy and sweet relationship with Jun ^^  
Did anyone notice that Jun hasn't yet told Sho about going to a therapist? Do you think he should? And should Sho join him? Who do you think is emotinally and mentally more sure about his feelings?  
(Btw, I promise there is a reason why it is so difficult between them!)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
They talk about Toshida's last fishing trip with Ohno first. This man has an interestig way to talk about things, Jun thinks, capturing people with the way he talks calmly, his voice vibrating sometimes when he hits an interesting part of a story (like when Ohno accidentally dropped into the water). It's soothing. Toshida's voice is like the calm ocean.

Then it's Jun's turn though, and before he even knows what's happening he is already rambling on and on. Toshida listens to Jun’s report quietly and reads the diary entry in silence as well. Jun feels like a teenager again, nervously waiting for his results while fidgeting on his seat. “It is bad, right?” he asks, sounding miserable even to his own ears. “I mean, Sho-san thought he had forced me into having sex. And he was so nervous and looked so guilty. And it was just my fault that he looked that way. I never wanted him to believe he forced me into something. And-“  
  
“Not at all,” Toshida interrupts his rambling and smiles slightly. “I’m surprised you really managed to go with all that in two weeks only. I thought you would have more trouble with the second part.”  
  
“He looked so hurt,” Jun explains quietly, recalling the nervous and panicked expression in Sho’s eyes. “So worried. And I just had to hug him to show him that nothing like that happened, that it’s not his fault. Everything else came naturally.”  
  
“I see.” Toshida smiles happily. “But it should make you think that the moment you started focusing on your feelings and on his, and tried to read his signs and see the lovable sides of him, and forgot to fight and argue – for a whole week, if I may add so – that you both got nervous over it. Isn’t it obvious that he is watching your signs too and is very attentive, secretly maybe? If he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have noticed that you felt off.” He pauses, a thoughtful expression on his face. “Why don’t you bring him along?”  
  
“No way,” Jun huffs.  
  
“I knew you would say that,” Toshida grins. “Fine. I’ll offer it another time again, so be prepared. For now, how about we talk about your diary entry first. What do you think about it?”  
  
Jun sighs deeply while he takes one of the chocolate-chip cookies Toshida offers him. This is his fourth meeting – telephone advice not included – and he has forgotten to feel embarrassed by now. “I wonder if it’s really normal to enjoy all that rather rough and angry sex,” he admits openly. “Sometimes I feel like I’m into this kind of love-making, and Sho-san might be too.” He muses. “Or BDSM. Do you think I should try that? Would that help?”  
  
“I think it’s highly possible that you both enjoy it. But, I would not advise you to do it right now. Not yet,” Toshida says to Jun’s surprise.  
  
Jun blinks in confusion. “Why not?”  
  
“Do you know the most important things about BDSM?”  
  
“Safety,” Jun muses. “Equal wishes.”  
  
“What else?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
“Setting on what you like, safe words.” Jun pauses, trying to remember all the details he read about this topic. He isn’t too knowledged about it, to be honest, everything he does with Sho comes rather naturally. When a thought hits him all of a sudden, he blushes though.  
  
Toshida probably realises it because he looks at him expectantly. “And?” he pushes him.  
  
“Trust,” Jun says quietly. Toshida doesn’t say anything, and his silence comes crushing down on Jun like someone just threw a brick on his head. “I don’t trust him,” Jun hears himself say to his own shock. “I don’t trust Sho-san. And I don’t trust myself.”  
  
That is one hell of a revelation. To imagine he has been with Sho for months now, and didn’t realize that he has no faith in him or rather in them together. In their relationship. That is some heavy shit to take. The sight in front of Jun’s eyes gets blurry, and Toshida hands him a handkerchief with awfully colorful flowers on it. Looks like someone vomitted the color on it. “It’s okay,” the man says softly. “Just let it out. That’s why you are here after all.”  
  
It’s true. He doesn’t need to hide anything here, probably the reason why Ohno set him up with his therapist anyway.  
  
“I’m such a horrible person,” he mumbles after he cried for what felt like half an hour.  
  
“You are not!” Toshida insists. “And I don’t want to hear you saying something like that again.”  
  
Jun smiles slightly, blows his nose and nods. Toshida meanwhile provides him with Agamame and Teriyaki-chicken. “My adorable wife made these,” he explains maybe to distract Jun a little. “Leftovers. She is happy when it gets eaten.”  
  
Jun sighs. “Must be nice to be someone like you, who is just perfect and can deal with relationship problems so easily.”  
  
Toshida blinks for a second, then he almost doubles over in laughter.  
  
Jun doesn’t even try to hide his irritation. “Did I say something funny?”  
  
“Oh my dear boy,” Toshida giggles like mad. “If I had a penny every time my wife reprimands me for using therapy strategies on her and gets annoyed at me… I would be a millionaire by now. No one is perfect, and something like a perfect relationship doesn’t exist. So-“ he takes a deep breath. “Tell me, did Sho-san once do anything? Betrayed your trust?"

Jun wants to answer to this question, he really does, but he can't. It's like something is blocking his tongue, preventing him from spilling it all out and lay it open in front of Toshida. He is almost scared that he just _can't_ say it. Why can't he? It should be easy... it's his therapist after all, and he has learned to be relaxed and open around him. Why can't he tell him what happened?

"Jun-san," Toshida says softly. "It's okay." His tone is soothing and calm like the ocean. He hands Jun some pictures, photos, of him and his wife at the sea. "Which one should I pick for the living room?" he asks casually. "Which one should I put on the wall?"

Jun is surprised, so much that he almost automatically points at one beautiful picutre at the sunset, a boat in the background, and the ocean calm and soothing. It's only then that Jun realizes his hands are shivering and he is sweating. He lets out a breath. "Thank you," he mumbles tiredly once he realizes that Toshida just saved him from a pathetic panic attack. Now that would have been a new low, really.

Toshida takes the pictures and nods. "This one is truly beautiful," he muses. "Thank you for your help," he adds, like it was Jun who helped him and not the other way round. He puts fresh tea into their cups. "Let’s change our approach for today… How about you tell me, what you think is good about Sho?”  
  
“His good sides?” Jun asks, and when Toshida nods, he refelcts for a moment. It’s easy, he thinks, Sho has many good sides, starting from his earnestness and dedication, to his intelligence and how he always puts himself full-heartedly into everything, how he works and tries hard in everything he does. Before Jun knows he has rambled for like thirty minutes, blushing slightly when he realizes the look in Toshida’s eyes. “I sound like a fanboy, don’t I? Oh, dear, like at that time when I was a teenager.” Something inside Jun tugs painfully. It’s an old feeling, something horrible he has buried deep inside. He is not ready to let it out though. Toshida through him an inscrutable glance, but to Jun’s relief he doesn’t dig any further at the moment. Instead he smiles.  
  
“I think you sound like you are in love. But don’t you think it’s weird that you describe him as such a dedicated person, someone who doesn’t do things half-heartedly… and still you doubt him to be in love with you?”  
  
It is weird, of course it is.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Toshida, that idiot, has pushed several buttons at once during their last meeting. Oh my god. Of course it led to Toshida asking something Jun should have been prepared for for a while now, still it came as a surprise. Trust. He wonders how he should work on that.  
  
Jun feels off the next day at rehearsals. It’s not that he feels irritated or annoyed, things that normally let his temper shine through. Not at all. He rather feels extremely tired and exhausted, like someone punched him right in his stomach several times. He tries to cover it up, he is professional after all, but he knows that at least Nino looks right through him. He is playing on his 3DS, but every now and then he looks at Jun through these thoughtful eyes of his. After a while he even shoots Sho some dangerous glares - like little spiky daggers - like he almost expects him to be at fault for Jun being so down, but Sho’s look is obviously too perplexed too. And Nino blinks in surprise.  
  
“Aiba and I are heading to that udon restaurant,” Ohno says when they are finished. “Are you guys coming too?”  
  
“You invite me?” Nino asks teasingly.  
  
Ohno rolls his eyes. “You earn enough money to pay for yourself .”  
  
“This coming from the guy who lets his mother buy his underwear,” Nino teases. But when Ohno just shrugs – as most of the time he doesn’t give in to any provocation – Nino gives in too and packs his belongings. He throws a meaningful glance towards Sho, making Jun frown a bit. What the hell did that glance mean right now? Did they talk about something beforehand? “You’ll join us later?” Nino asks, and apparently presents the perfect excuse for them on a silver plate.  
  
Sho smiles but it’s a strained smile. “Yeah, I need to make a few calls.”  
  
“Awesome,” Nino says, grabs his bag, and throws his arms around Ohno’s and Aiba’s shoulder so that they have no chance to ask Jun if he wants to join them. After all those years it’s not that difficult to read Nino, and Jun can’t help but sigh at this attempt to set him and Sho up. When their friends have left, he and Sho are engulfed in silence.

 

 **A/N:** Somehow it seems to be diffiuclt to decide if Jun should tell Sho he is seeing a therapist or not. One one side, he might be angry when he hides it from him, on the other maybe disappointed that Jun consults with a stranger?

Oh, and Toshida-sensei slowly starts to touch on more sensitive subjects, and Jun is alreay panicking!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

Jun almost expects Sho to scold him for his weird behaviour today, because he should be more professional than letting Nino feel that something is off. Private life and job should be strictly separated. Always. It’s also Jun’s personal credo. It should-  
  
“Hey, my love,” Sho’s voice interrupts his trail of thoughts, and he is sounding so soft that it sends tingles through Jun’s body, and his chest clenches slightly. Sho moves closer to Jun now, his thumbs rub over Jun’s cheek for a while before he pulls him in for a hug. “What is lying on your mind today? You are so sad.”  
  
What the hell is happening? Is that really Sho? Since when is he like that, so soft and caring…? Jun’s heart makes an unexpected jump, in a way his heart only beats when they are having sex with each other.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jun mumbles into Sho’s hair, while Sho keeps rubbing his back soothingly. He can’t stop himself from babbling. Normally he would hide something like that from Sho, but normally Sho wouldn’t approach him with such soft, loving words. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
Gladly Sho doesn’t ask him what he is sorry about, just keeps hugging him. “Don’t be so down, my cute sweetheart.” Sho chuckles after a while.  
  
Jun blinks at that nickname. “How can you call me cute?” And _sweetheart_. He would probably throw up at that on a normal occasion, but weirdly enough Sho can say things like this without making them sound mushy and cheesy.  
  
Sho grins. “Well, most of the times when you don’t throw a cup at me or a shoe against my head or something else, then you are my cute fluffball.”  
  
Jun isn’t sure if he should laugh now or smack Sho against his head. He decides to do something in between by shoving him a little while smiling. “You are so silly.”  
  
“I like that expression more than the one before,” Sho grins. “I also like you more throwing something at me than looking so sad.”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jun says because he just feels he has to apologize over and over again for putting the both of them through that misery.  
  
“And here we are again.” Sho sighs. “I don’t even know what you are apologizing for, but it’s okay.”  
  
Jun frowns. “If you don’t know what I’m apologizing for, how can it be okay?”  
  
Sho chuckles. “Because I say so?”  
  
“And you are being silly again,” Jun teases. “Be glad that I’m the only one that knows. Your reputation~”  
  
Sho chuckles and gives Jun’s cheek a light dab. “Tease,” he says casually. “But at least you look less down now. So tell me what it is about?”  
  
Jun swallows nervously. He can’t lie to Sho, he can hide things from him and not talk to him, but he can’t lie right into his face… but he is not ready to be completely honest with him either. Not before he has set his thoughts straight. But at least one thing that lies heavily on his mind, he can tell him openly. “Sho-san, I’m not easy to be around recently. I know it. I’m sorry for that.”  
  
Sho blinks in obvious surprise, his eyes wide. “Jun-san,” he say earnestly. “Do you think I’m easy to be around? I’m freaking difficult with so many issues. Sometimes I say things to you and although I know that it’s stupid and mean and will only lead to another argument, I say them. I’m in no way better than you. Actually I’m worse because it’s my fault to begin with.”  
  
Jun is surprised, deeply so, and at the same time, he is weirdly relieved. It’s the same for Sho. Sho is feeling just as insecure as he is, he is having similar doubts. It’s almost a relief. “You think we’ll be able to work it out?” he asks carefully.  
  
Sho smiles and presses his lips against Jun’s cheek. “You bet we will. Because there is no way I’m letting you go again. I did it once after all, and I’m definitely not repeating my mistakes. So, even when you throw hundreds of cups at me, I’ll stay with your dramatic ass.”  
  
“Yeah,” Jun snickers almost automatically. “I know your mean ass likes my dramatic one,” he jokes and Sho’s eyes light up slightly. It’s like the tension is suddenly gone. Jun’s heart jumps again when he recalls what Sho has just told him. It’s almost like a confession. Of course, not exactly a clear confession, but still… the best he has heard from Sho up to now.  
  
Sho smiles. “I have a great idea to lighten up your mood even further.”  
  
Jun blinks. “And how?”  
  
Sho shows him a smirk, one of those that turn Jun more on that he would ever admit to anyone but himself. Sho’s fingers open the buttons of Jun’s trousers deftly.  
  
Jun coughs nervously, blushing even. “What are you doing?”  
  
“Isn’t it obvious?” Sho moves down on his knees, flashing Jun a smirk from down there. “I’m going to blow you. And I’m going to be so good that you will wish you could scream out my name. But don’t forget we are in only backstage and someone might come in here~”  
  
He can’t be serious! This is like a dream come true, Sho being so blunt at their work place, Sho even voicing out that he is going to blow him. Sho actually attending to him like that. “But we can’t create a mess here,” Jun stutters.  
  
“We won’t,” Sho says earnestly. “I’ll swallow.”  
  
OH MY GOD! He has lost his mind. He can’t be serious, that is not Sho. He has to be some sort of alien that took over Sho’s body and now does so many confusing things with Jun’s mind, like being sweet and gentle and saying mushy things… and offering to blow him. This is not Sho – it’s the invasion of the alien-Shos from freaky Sho-planet.  
  
Deep inside he feels though that it’s always been there, this Sho has always been next to him, but he just hasn’t been able to see it, has he? He doesn’t know why Sho shows him this side all of a sudden, but still… Can he see this real Sho now, and accept how much he obviously changed?  
  
Jun has not much time to think about it as Sho’s lips close around his dick, and start sucking him off. Jun’s fingers dive into Sho’s hair, but he doesn’t tug at it, just brush through them, while he leans his head back, biting down on his lips.  
  
Sho smirks around his dick when he licks at it, placing a few kisses on it, before he lets his tongue twirl around it. “Sho-san,” Jun breathes out. “What are you doing… I…”  
  
“Just wait and enjoy,” Sho mumbles teasingly, and his teeth scratch over Jun’s shaft softly but with intent.  
  
Jun’s body shivers. And then alien-Sho takes him into his mouth completely, he can feel Sho’s throat touching his tip. And fuck… He is glad that Sho has grabbed his hips to stop him from bucking them. It’s too hard to concentrate not to scream out Sho’s name and moan, focusing on not bucking his hips would be too much.  
  
For a few seconds Sho stops bobbing his head, and simply tightens his lips around Jun’s dick and sucks. “Come now,” he mumbles, and speeds up his efforts all of a sudden. It comes at such a surprise that Jun can’t hold back a moan and his grip around Sho’s hair tightens. Sho lets go of his hips, letting him fuck his mouth freely.  
  
Jun clasps his mouth, trying to hold back his moans while he comes into Sho’s mouth. He leans back against the wall in exhaustion, his body shivering, the fingers clenched around Sho’s hair feel cramped. Sho moves up now and grins proudly. “Good?”  
  
Normally Jun would be annoyed with Sho’s smug grin, however he just can’t help but find it cute all of a sudden. It is adorable that he feels so proud right now, because of something like that. “You are too good actually,” Jun mumbles and brushes through Sho’s hair. “Sorry for tugging your hair.”  
  
“It’s fine,” Sho chirps and takes Jun’s hand. “Good to hear how much you enjoyed it. Let’s go and meet our friends.”  
  
“Really?” Jun blinks. “What about you? You didn’t have any fun yet.”  
  
“Oh, I had,” Sho chuckles and tugs Jun’s hand to pull him closer. “I need you to recover, so that once we are at home you can fuck me.”  
  
Jun’s cheeks heat up at these words. He is almost inclined to look around to check if it’s some sort of hidden camera and Sho is just like that because… because… it is a trap. It is a trap, it has to be one. Jun touches Sho’s cheeks and pecks his nose softly. “I…” _I love you_. No he can’t yet. “Thanks for being who you are,” he finally manages to say.  
  
Sho chuckles. “Now you are getting mushy,” he teases. “But it’s fine. I’m looking forward to your _payment_ later.”  
  
Jun smiles.  
  
  
**A/N** : It seems alien!Sho and Jun are making some progress. And Sho keeps surprising Jun with his unexpected reactions and words. Well, I can promise you, we'll have a little drama coming up soon *hint*

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
Jun stares at the little box in front of him. Sho just handed it to him. In it there is a beautiful black bracelet with little silver charms attached to it, a very fine handcraft, made by Dior. It’s manly and at the same way done in a filigree way. It fits Jun’s taste immediately. “Sho-san,” he mumbles, blushing a bit. “Thank you! But why?”  
  
Sho smiles. “It’s our six months anniversary, so I wanted to give you something.”  
  
“But,” Jun stutters. “You didn’t say anything that you want to celebrate. And now I don’t have anything and I-“  
  
“Jun,” Sho interrupts him and chuckles. “It was spontaneous. And I just wanted to show you what you mean to me. For me it’s enough of a present to have you around.”  
  
Jun blushes slightly. “Thank you, Sho-san.” Jun gets up and walks around the table to wrap his arms around Sho from behind. “But now I’m definitely going to think about redoing the favour.”  
  
“Well, I could think of one or two ways to do that,” Sho jokes. “Tonight,” he hints with a twinkle.  He turns around in Jun’s hug and grabs his face to pull him into a kiss.  
  
Unfortunately he has to hurry to work immediately. They both have to. But still, Jun wonders what to do to surprise Sho this night. It couldn’t be normal sex, could it?  
  
  
~~~  
  
He has talked over various things with Toshida up to now, and the word trust didn’t only fall once. Still… Trust or not, Jun decides he needs to do something to repay Sho’s kindness.  
  
It’s a pair of soft leather cuffs he finds. They are fluffy, and in a fancy dark-blue which Jun loves at first sight. That’s something he at least feels comfortable wearing. Maybe it sounds childish but he likes it that even though it’s a sex toy it looks stylish and expensive, and it might look good on him. It makes him feel secure and more in his comfort zone.  
  
~~~  
  
He prepared dinner for Sho, a perfect one, and he knew Sho would love it. Sho loves everything that’s food, especially when it’s cooked somewhat well. “Dessert,” Jun muses after they have eaten and twinkles. “We’ll have that later.”  
  
“Later?” Sho smiles. “And what are we going to have now?”  
  
“Hm.” Jun clicks his tongue, turns around and leans against the door of their bedroom. “How about,” he smirks. “I’ll wear something special for you tonight…”  
  
His seductive voice works immediately on Sho because the latter’s eyes are just getting a little darker. “What are you going to wear?” Sho asks, and his voice is hoarse.  
  
Jun angles for the handcuffs, swinging them around one of his fingers. “I thought about nothing but this… But if you don’t want to, it’s alright too,” he muses, trying to sound as innocent as possible.  
  
Sho stares at him for a while, eyes wide, then he smirks. “You little tease,” he says, slipping closer to run his hands over Jun’s waist. Something inside Jun tugs a little in anticipation and in happiness because of the look in Sho’s eyes, by the want, and the knowledge that it was him who put it there. It’s such an overwhelming feeling that he even allows Sho to let his fingers roam through Jun’s hair, something he normally hates. His hair is holy territory after all. But he can make an exception now and then.  
  
Sho seems to be surprised too, but then he grabs Jun by his collar to smash their lips against each other, and it comes as such a surprise that Jun gasps a little. He has no time to think though because his mind goes dizzy when Sho kisses him, his tongue pushing into his mouth and his teeth scratching his lips.  
  
With deft fingers Jun opens Sho’s pants, using the moment of surprise to push them down. Sho blinks for a second, his eyes widening when Jun spins them around and pushing him against the wall now, sliding down to kneel on the ground.  
  
When he looks up, he sees directly into Sho’s eyes and notices the surprise and anticipation sparkling in there. Well, here goes nothing. The last time he blew Sho was years ago. It’s time to give him some service again. Jun blushes slightly at his own dirty thoughts and decides to distract himself by going into action.  
  
When he closes his lips around Sho’s dick, he slightly wonders if he still got _it_. He starts slowly at first, teasing and licking, until he takes it in his mouth completely, letting it touch the back of his throat. He shoots Sho a teasing glance, before he stops all movement and just hums a little.  
  
“Oh my… fuck… Jun… you…” Sho grabs him by his hair, tugging at it impatiently.  
  
Okay, he has still got it, it seems. He chuckles and goes back to licking Sho’s dick, nipping at the head for a few seconds before shoving it all the way in again. Sho’s moans resound in his ears, the noises he makes send a shiver down his spine and Jun decides to push him just a little further by using his teeth and scratching the sensitive skin lightly, but with intent.  
  
He can hear how Sho mumbles something incoherent, but he doesn’t understand what, his own ears ringing slightly. He is too concentrated to keep Sho’s jerking dick under control. Then he lets go of Sho’s hips for a moment, letting him fuck and ravish his mouth for a while. When he feels how it swells up, he grabs Sho’s hips, pushing him back against the wall and twirls his tongue around his dick, teasing him a little, before he lets go and simply wraps his lips around it tightly, and just sucks, until he feels how a shiver goes through Sho’s whole body, and he comes right into his mouth.  
  
Jun coughs a little, moving back. His jaw feels a bit tensed, but the look in Sho’s eyes, the hint of haziness in them and the way he is leaning his head back, his clothes a mess, revealing his nice abs… it’s definitely worth the effort.  
  
“You are crazy,” Sho stutters breathlessly. “Fuck, Jun, how do you manage to do that?”  
  
“Yeah, I know,” Jun snickers. “I’m obviously a pro. Is that what you want to say?”  
  
Sho grins. “I’ve a lot to say,” he teases. “But for now I think I want to have you beneath me.”  
  
Jun smiles. “At your mercy.”  
  
He sighs happily when Sho pulls him into a strong embrace. He smells so nice. His hair, his skin, everything about Sho smells good. It’s actually all fine and perfect when Sho leads him to their bed, planting kisses all over his face and brushing his shirt off. It’s also still fine when Jun lies down on his back, and he can feel Sho pinning his arms above his head. His hands feel warm against his wrist, and his fingertips leave burning patterns everywhere they touch him. His skin is so freaking sensitive that he can’t even wait anymore to feel Sho inside him, he just wants him now.  
  
The clicking of the handcuffs around his wrists doesn’t unsettle him either, but suddenly Sho’s grip is gone, and his hot touches are replaced with the cold of the cuffs. Jun tugs slightly at them, trying to get rid of this nervous feeling that’s creeping up his spine and moves into every cell of his body. That’s not normal, is it?  
  
He can see Sho in front of him, but at the same time he doesn’t. He knows he is touching him, but he can’t quite feel him. It’s like his body is suddenly numb, while it feels like all the air gets sucked out of him.

 

 

 

 **A/N:** I'm so sorry for the late update, I was on vacation last week and I was hardly online OO  
Seems like alien!Sho is still around and eager to be sweet and mushy. Jun's move wasn't too smart it seems, though he meant to do something nice. But now he panics...


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

Jun’s breath goes heavier than usual, his ears are ringing slightly. Somewhere he vaguely remembers something Toshida-sensei told him in case he is close to a nervous breakdown. But he can’t remember. What the fuck is he supposed to do?  
  
It’s only when he suddenly feels both of Sho’s hands grabbing his face and forcing him to look at him, that he realizes Sho has stopped his movements. He looks down at him in concern. “Jun,” he says firmly. He slaps his cheek softly, but with insistence. “Look at me. Now. Come on, babe, look at me.”  
  
Jun blinks a few times, taking a deep breath. This is Sho in front of him. It’s Sho. It’s alright. Sho lets out a little sigh of relief when Jun finally looks at him directly. His hand is brushing softly over his cheeks softly. “Look at me, Jun-san,” he says again, rubbing his thumb over the spots right below Jun’s eyes. “We don’t have to do anything like that tonight. You don’t need to push yourself. I’m happy with any way we have sex.”  
  
“I,” Jun pauses, blushing slightly. He feels extremely embarrassed and nervous, scared and relieved, but also weirdly upset over not being able to give Sho what he wanted to give him so badly. “But you want to do it, right?” he stutters.  
  
“Of course, I do.” Sho smiles, but it looks a bit tensed too. “But I don’t want you to force yourself into it. You should feel comfortable when we try something like that. You obviously don’t trust me enough to do something like that.”  
  
Jun’s eyes snap wide open at that. His arms are unfortunately tied to the bed so he can’t do anything with them. He is not sure what he would be doing with them anyway. He must look seriously panicked because Sho shakes his head fiercely. “It’s not a reproach, dear. I don’t mean it like that at all. I don’t want to accuse you of something.” He unties Jun’s hands immediately and helps him sit up, entwining their fingers.  
  
“I.” Jun bows his head. “I’m so sorry.”  
  
“Me too.” Sho slips a bit closer, wrapping his arms around Jun’s waist. “I think, at the beginning I didn’t take it seriously enough. I thought it was okay to just start from scratch with you and forget everything that happened before. It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you, things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”  
  
“But I _want_ to trust you,” Jun argues. “I wouldn’t have bought handcuffs otherwise. It’s not only you, I’m obviously having issues too.”  
  
If Sho is hurt in anyway, he is hiding it well. “Let’s give it some time.” He playfully waves with the cuffs. “In a few months you’ll be able to switch your mind off completely when you are with me. And I’ll tie you to the bedframe and fuck you long and hard. How does that sound?”  
  
Jun smiles slightly. “Kinky?” he offers. Sho chuckles, and the tension is finally away. “How did you notice?” Jun dares to ask.  
  
“What? That you don’t trust us being together?” Sho sighs. “Well, for one you kept throwing all kinds of stuff at me, which you didn’t do to anyone else before. Also the way you got irritated at me so easily, and how you didn’t want to hear anything romantic from me. I could see the doubt in your eyes clearly. Recently you seemed to warm up though.”  
  
“I did?” Jun blinks. So his work with Toshida is paying off? This leads him to a new problem though… he didn’t expect them to have that kind of an open talk, but now that they have… shouldn’t he tell Sho? “There is something,” he admits. “I haven’t told you yet, but…”  
  
Sho blinks in surprise. “What didn’t you tell me?”  
  
“It’s not that I planned on doing it,” Jun rambles, sounding nervous even to his own ears. “I wanted to tell you, but I didn’t know how, and when… and it’s so embarrassing.”  
  
“Jun-san, what is it?” Sho chuckles. “You look a bit like a teenager who’s going to admit something to his parents.”  
  
Jun smiles nervously. “You’ll be mad if I tell you,” he repeats.  
  
“Why do you think that?”  
  
Jun shrugs. “You’ll think I hid it from you…”  
  
“Well…” Sho frowns, going into thinking mode for a moment before he looks at Jun again. “Did you?”  
  
Jun shrugs. “Maybe. I didn’t have the guts to tell you, to be honest. But I was also extremely embarrassed about it. I still _am_ embarrassed.”  
  
Sho tugs a bit at his arms, nodding firmly. “So tell me now. I’m going nuts with the way you are shifting around right now.”  
  
Jun takes a deep breath. “I’m seeing a therapist for a few weeks now.” Sho’s mouth basically drops open but before he can say something, Jun stops him. “Not so much because of you, rather because of me. I hate being how I am right now. I… sometimes I can’t stand myself. I don’t want to hurt you anymore.”  
  
For a while it’s silent between them, and Jun doesn’t even dare to shift his body. Then Sho lets out a sigh. “Okay, I admit,” he says. “That’s quite something to take. I think I need a drink.”  
  
“Make it two?” Jun offers carefully, fingertips rubbing Sho’s palm soothingly. “I swear, it’s not like I wanted to hide it from you, and it wasn’t even planned that I went there. Ohno-san set me up. And it just so happened that this dude made me think about some of my issues, and made me see things differently. And suddenly I realized that I still haven’t told you about it, which is pretty bad, and…”  
  
Sho chuckles all of a sudden, smacking Jun’s arm softly. “You are kind of cute when you ramble like that. And no, I’m not mad, a bit surprised maybe, and I wish you would have told me. But you did now. So… Let’s move to the sofa, and have a drink, and talk about this properly.”  
  
Jun nods, and in a sudden overflow of feelings he wraps his arms around Sho to pull him closer. He can feel Sho smile against his hair, and his hands brushing over his back. “I’m not mad,” he repeats softly. “I guess I would have hid it too for a while. At least this guy did something so that you started giving us a real chance.”  
  
Jun nods. Something behind his eyelids burns a little. It’s not because he is sad, but rather because he feels relieved to finally have told Sho. He hasn’t even realized how bad he felt for keeping it from him.  
  
“Jun,” Sho teases. “If you don’t let go of me soon, I might not be able to restrain myself from doing naughty things to you.”  
  
Jun smiles when he pulls back. “Well, we can still do that. After I made us dessert, and told you everything.”  
  
“You bet.” Sho grins. “And then we can watch one of those stupid movies you fancy so much. The one with the ugly, green monster.”  
  
“It’s Shrek, Sho-san, try to remember the title. And he is not a monster!”  
  
Sho chuckles slightly.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
Toshida-san who Jun calls by his first name Kenichi by now sighs slightly. Jun raises his hands in defence, unavoidably guilty. “I know, Kenichi-san, you warned me, and I didn’t listen… I thought I was ready to try something like that with Sho-san. I…” He pauses, not sure how to continue.  
  
“You wanted to do something nice for him,” Toshida helps him out.  
  
When Jun nods, he smiles slightly. “Well, it’s not like I can really appreciate this try of yours, however on the upside, you were finally able to tell your Sho-san that you are coming here. And you were able to at least mention some of the topics that are standing between you two.”  
  
“I didn’t know how aware he was about the issues we have,” Jun admits quietly. “That he knows I don’t have faith in us.”  
  
Toshida smiles sympathetically. Before they continue, he provides Jun with some freshly prepared macha tea though, and macha cookies. “My wife’s speciality,” he explains.  
  
“Your wife certainly is a good cook, Kenichi-san,” Jun muses, thankful for the little distraction. “I’ve been looking for a good recipe for these cookies forever.”  
  
“I can ask her for the recipe, not sure if she intrusts me with it though. She thinks I’m the worst cook on the planet,” Toshida jokes. “Well, cookies aside, and although you feel bad about it, I’m actually proud about the progress you are making.”  
  
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Jun points out carefully, rubbing his temples nervously. “I mean, I didn’t do anything… Sho-san really looked panicked yesterday night when I was having this breakdown.”  
  
“But he noticed it,” Toshida points out. “He managed to make you listen to him. And he was emotionally open and ready to listen to you. You said he didn’t scold you, he didn’t accuse you, he was just trying to understand it full-heartedly. That’s a huge progress actually.”  
  
Jun lets one of the cookies wander between his fingers. “You think so?” he finally asks. “To me it feels like I took a step back. And it’s not like I have been doing anything special during the last weeks.”  
  
“I think you did.” Toshida chuckles. “You actually opened a door, just a little. But your Sho-san immediately put his foot in between. You changed your habits slightly and he took the chance and went with the flow.”  
  
“I felt relieved that I told him I’m seeing you,” Jun says after a while.  
  
“I know.” Toshida pauses for a while, before he takes a deep breath. “You could also take him along and-“  
  
“No way,” Jun interrupts him, smirking slightly. “Do I really articulate myself so horribly? I’m definitely not taking my partner to a therapy session. Nothing more embarrassing than that…”  
  
“Really?” Toshida chuckles. “And here I was thinking that having sex in semi-public is embarrassing, but I guess I’m in the wrong.”  
  
“It was not semi-public,” Jun weakly defends his and Sho’s blowjob incident from last week weakly. “It was the dressing room. Unlocked though. And…” He pauses, blushes slightly. “Could we not talk about it anymore, please?”  
  
“I’m sorry,” Toshida says casually. “Fine, let’s talk about something else. You said Sho-san gave you a present yesterday, which led you to buying these handcuffs. What was it?”  
  
“A bracelet,” Jun explains quietly. “It’s a bracelet. Sho-san said it’s because we are together for six months now, and he passed by this shop and just immediately thought of me when he saw it.”  
  
He was dumbfounded the moment Sho gave to him and with his eyes wide-open in surprise, he kept stuttering some incoherent mess of thank yous. And Sho just smiled proudly, eyes shining with happiness. Before he hurried out to work, he kissed Jun once more. “And you are cute again,” he said. “It’s nothing special.”  
  
Sho tries so hard. And still he can’t give him anything back.  
  
“I don’t understand it,” Jun says quietly. “Sho-san is really really trying, honestly. I really believe him, still… Whenever he does something nice, it comes as such a surprise, I can hardly even grasp what happens, and I can’t give him anything back.”  
  
Toshida sighs slightly. “Jun-san, that’s because you don’t have faith in the both of you. Maybe because you haven’t forgiven him yet for what happened years ago. Are you ready to talk to me about it? About what happened? You were already a couple once, weren’t you?”  
  
“Well, yes,” Jun stutters. “We were together. I mean, we were really young and inexperienced and all, but we were together.”  
  
“And?”  
  
Jun stays silent, shifting around nervously. He knew that Toshida would ask him about this one day. But nevertheless, talking about it, still hurts so much. It’s like the moment he says it aloud everything nice Sho has done up until now will vanish again, because it would seem fake to him. Because Sho would seem fake to him.  
  
“Did he cheat on you?” Toshida asks after a while, his voice low and careful.  
  
Jun’s eyes snap open. “How did you know?”  
  
“A feeling,” Toshida admits, his voice warm and soothing. “Jun-san, how exactly did it happen? Did he cheat on you once or-“  
  
Jun sighs sadly. “It was the girl his parents wanted him to date. I understand the pressure he was under, but still…” He looks away. “It’s not been once. It’s… he went out with her several times, and they had sex. He admitted to it. Each and every time. I knew it. Every time he went to see her and have sex with her, I knew what he did. He would come to me afterwards and have sex with me, almost like she didn’t exist, like he wanted to erase the fact that she existed through fucking me. Actually, each and every time it felt like he wanted to erase something by having sex with me, like make something undone. I could see the guilt in his eyes. First I thought it’s because he betrayed me, but then I realized it’s…”  He pauses, not able to say it out loud.  
  
“Say it,” Toshida urges. “Say it, Jun-san. I need you to say it loud for once.”  
  
“Back then he wasn’t feeling guilty because he betrayed me, he felt guilty because he came back to me every time, because he couldn’t let go, because the woman his parents chose wasn’t enough. There were days he hardly talked to me, and wasn’t really nice. At one point I couldn’t take it anymore, and I left him. And…” His voice trails off, and something behind his eyelids burns so much that he has to look away. It’s been years, still the feeling of betrayal and pain washes over him like it was just yesterday. “I did… I hated him. All those innocent feelings inside me were washed away. I was just a child…” He pauses sadly. “Sho-san, I was a child.”  
  
“He is feeling guilty now,” Toshida says after what feels forever. “You know he does, that’s why you don’t give up on him and that’s why you agreed on giving him a second chance. I’m sure he felt also guilty about what he did to you back then, it just got mixed up with the complicated emotions hunting him and the pressure lying on him. He probably didn’t know what to do and how to handle it. Now I’m one hundred percent certain, he knows his place, and he knows the mistakes he made.”  
  
Jun’s heart beats so fast that he believes it’s going to jump out of his chest at one point. He knows it’s true, that Sho, despite all the things he did back then, felt incredibly bad for it. It was the reason why years ago he would be so unbelievably nice sometimes, and at the same time it probably was the reason why he was so cold occasionally. Back then, maybe one part of him hoped that Jun would start hating him.  
  
What did Sho say last night? _It was so selfish of me. I obviously didn’t consider that for you things might still be different. That you didn’t forgive everything that happened.”_  
  
Jun rubs his eyes. “May I use your bathroom?” He manages to breath out. Toshida nods, probably sensing that Jun is in no way ready to let these tears be seen by anyone else.  
  
He takes his time in the bathroom, splashing his face with cold water to stop the tears from dripping down. After this therapy, he might need just another one to get over that. Oh dear, when the hell did he turn into such a crybaby?  
  
He sighs, staring at the reflection in the mirror. He looks completely off. It’s going to be impossible to hide that expression from Sho. Was it a mistake? To agree being together with Sho again? Jun knows he needs to get over their past, but it’s still so real in front of his eyes. The indifferent expression Sho was showing whenever he had met that girl, the way his whole body smelled like perfume, how he would sleep with him just after he had slept with her… Sho was so cruel back then. He was so cruel. Maybe because he was really hurt too.  
  
Still, the Sho of today is so different. Damn it. Why does it have to be so complicated?

 

 **A/N:** OMG, I almost forgot to post today!  ><  
Well, here it is, and we finally know what happened between Jun and Sho previously, and why Jun can't accept Sho's kindness now. He is torn between the two Shos he knows. Of course we don't know what Sho truly thinks now and if he knows what's really going on in Jun's mind. Also Sho took the news about Jun going to a therapist pretty well for now, but we are only at Chapter 7 of course *lol* It hints for some issues to come...  
  
  
  
  
 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

He tries not to show it but during the next days he feels almost numb. It’s like he can’t even feel something, like even the tiniest feeling just got erased, and even his skin feels numb. When his bandmates and friends talk, he isn’t able to follow their conversation. At least he can dance while they study their new choreography. It’s the best distraction he knows.  But because it’s by far not enough distraction, he agrees do Aiba’s and Ohno’s drinking invitation.  
  
Aiba is one of the most sensitive persons he knows and he is also one of the nicest persons. And together with Ohno it’s even better. Because as much sweet fun Aiba brings as much casual calmness Ohno makes him feel. It’s so soothing to go out with them.  
  
Ohno obviously tries to fill him up with tequila, but although Jun normally loves a good drink, it just tastes like nothing at all at the moment. The worst thing is though that although he is here and with his friends, and although deep inside he is so angry at what Sho did in their past, he just misses him like crazy right now.  
  
Aiba pokes his forehead and brings him back to reality. “You are doooozing off…” he slurs. “You are so cute~”  
  
Ohno grins. “Super-cute.”  
  
“Don’t encourage him,” Jun argues, but can’t help a smile.  
  
“Wow,” Aiba chirps. “Finally, the man smiled. Aw, our baby smiled.”  
  
Jun frowns. “Who are you calling baby, you silly little idiot.”  
  
Aiba and Ohno share a glance, then they burst into laughter. For a moment Jun tries to be annoyed, but he can’t help it. He can’t be mad at these two idiots who are so nice and supportive. Always.  
  
“Hey Jun,” Ohno says when Aiba heads to the toilet. He pats his hand softly. “You haven’t been smiling much lately. Is something off?”  
  
Jun shrugs. What is he supposed to say? It’s too private, even though this is Ohno, and he can tell him everything.  
  
“Is it because of Sho-kun?” Ohno pushes him further.  
  
Jun blushes slightly and curses inwardly at the same time. Why again does his face give his emotions away so easily? He really needs to work on his poker face again. “It’s not that simple,” he finally admits. “I wish I could blame it all on Sho-san, but to be honest, it’s my fault too. I didn’t talk about things I should have, before I got together with him. I decided to ignore the obvious instead of approaching it. I’m stupid.”  
  
“Jun,” Ohno says softly. “You are not stupid. And I’m sure Sho loves you. No, I know he does. He even told me. I don’t know where your problem comes from, but be reassured that you can always talk to me, no matter what it is, okay?”  
  
For a moment Jun feels overwhelmed by so much kindness. Does he really deserve that much? He is almost allured to tell Ohno his problems, but if he learnt one thing during the last weeks, then that his problems with Sho belong to him and Sho only. They need to solve them by themselves if they want to move on together. Hence he smiles carefully and nods, not able to say anything. For Ohno it’s apparently answer enough, because he smiles warmly and squeezes Jun’s hand once more before he lets go.  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
When Jun gets back home, the light in the living room is still on and Sho suddenly stands in front of him. Sho frowns, crossing his arms in front of his body. “Where have you been?”  
  
“Hello to you too,” Jun mumbles, trying to suppress his anger about Sho’s passive-aggressive greeting. He is not in a particularly good place anyway at the moment, and he has that uncomfortable feeling that even the slightest of Sho’s words can tick him off.  
  
“What kind of game are you actually playing?” Sho wants to know, eyeing Jun thoughtfully. “You’ve hardly been talking to me during the last days.”  
  
Jun pulls an eyebrow up. “Game? _I_ am the one playing a game?”  
  
“Well, I for one was waiting for you at home,” Sho breaths out, his voice slightly hoarse. “You didn’t even bother to call.”  
  
“I was out with Riida and Masaki, alright?” Jun huffs while he throws his jacket on the sofa.  
  
“With Riida and... Masaki?” Something in Sho’s eyes flickers.  
  
The feeling of irritation and anger Jun had the moment he entered the room, is suddenly hitting him with full force by the suggestive tone in Sho’s voice. “Sho-san,” he hisses. “Don’t talk to me like I’m your subordinate. Or son. Or whatever. Say what you want to say or shut up!”  
  
“No one tells me to shut up,” Sho blurts out, finally raising his voice. “And you have a history with Masaki! I’ve at least the right to know that you go out with him.”  
  
Jun spins around. “Sho!” he yells. “Masaki is our friend! I’ve kissed him once, before the both of us got together. So don’t dare to drag him into your shit!”  
  
“So it’s _my_ shit now?” Sho blurts out.  
  
Jun shrugs.  
  
“I love Masaki,” Sho intervenes angrily. “But I don’t trust you with him.”  
  
“Are you fucking serious? You have no reason not to trust me,” Jun huffs in anger, biting down on his lips as he can feel how they start quivering. “What’s wrong with you!?”  
  
“No reason?” Sho frowns. “It’s not like you have always been so honest to me! After all you are seeing a therapist since weeks. Secretly!“  
  
“Yeah,” Jun hisses. “Because that’s even remotely similar to the many lies you told me before!”  
  
Sho winces, his eyes wide for a moment, before he gets his calm back. “Still, you hid it from me.”  
  
“Yeah, maybe you think Toshida-sensei is just another guy I’m making out with or fuck? After all I can’t be _trusted_ ,” Jun breaths out. “Just like you think I might jump Masaki-kun, our friend! But maybe _you_ would rather like to tell me what you do when you go out? ”  
  
“Jun,” Sho says sharply. “What do you mean?”  
  
“Nothing you would understand,” Jun huffs. Somewhere far away in his twisted mind he actually feels almost relieved… the numb feeling he had during the last days is making place for other feelings, though not positive ones… but feelings. He can feel something. He feels like screaming and crying at the same time. Well, at least that’s better than not feeling anything at all.  
  
“Stop talking to me like that!” Sho’s voice is an octave higher than before, and Jun just throws him a glare.  
  
“Oh shut up,” he hisses, before he grabs his keys and wallet and heads out of the apartment. He is going to sleep at his own place tonight. Something beneath his ears hammers, so much that he doesn’t hear anything else. He remotely feels like Sho calls his name, and that later his phone rings, but until he gets out of the taxi and closes the door behind him, there is basically no sound penetrating his ears. It’s only when he finally is alone in his apartment that it comes crushing down on him.  
  
“Shit,” Jun mumbles. Now that escalated way too fast, and he can’t even blame it all on Sho. It’s so much easier to blame someone else, but he overreacted way too much and too fast himself. For a moment he wonders if he should call Ohno and take him up on his promise, but then he decides not to. This is really his personal shit right now, and he needs to at least try to work on it alone before asking for help.  
  
Hence he grabs a bottle of wine and drops down on the sofa, deciding to drown his guilty and depressed feelings in wine. He doesn’t even realize that he starts crying.

 

 

 **A/N:** Drama, baby, drama!! They are back to arguing, and it's such a petty argument.  >< It's like a oulet for their feelings when they don't know what else to do...  



	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
There is a knock at the door that startles Jun. He doesn’t want to get up from his sofa and open it. He rather wants to keep sitting here and drinking himself senseless, unfortunately though his conscience wins over. It could be a neighbour after all, someone who might need help.  
  
When he opens the door, he doesn’t even have the chance to look twice, because he can feel well-known hands grabbing his shoulders and pushing him back into the apartment. Then he feels those warm, plumb lips against his.  
  
“Sho-san,” he breaths out but doesn’t have a chance to say anymore, because Sho pushes his tongue inside his mouth, and soon he is busy with gasping for air and kissing Sho back with all he has at the same time. Somewhere far away in his mind he can hear Toshida-sensei scolding him for this here, but he just can’t stop it.  
  
For a moment they break apart to gasp for air. “How can you just walk out on me, without giving me a chance to discuss?” Sho demands to know before he hugs Jun tightly. His voice is quivering, and it makes Jun smile. “I shouldn’t have yelled back at you,” he continues while plastering kisses on Jun’s face. “God, I hate it when I’m jealous.”  
  
Jun begs to differ. He hates it too when Sho is jealous, at the same time he finds him kinda hot then. Also it doesn’t slip his mind how Sho says he regrets yelling _back_ at Jun. He chuckles.  
  
“Sho-san, is that why you came? You want to talk? Who are you kidding!?” Jun grabs Sho’s collar and pulls him closer, his nose brushing over Sho’s cheek before he bites down into his ear softly. It’s not even remotely an answer to what Sho said before, but then Sho pretending to be here for a talk is more like a charade in general. He knows what Sho wants after all. And he is not here to talk.  
  
He tilts his head, sucking at Sho’s neck now, and then finally Sho’s hand moves downwards, slipping beneath the elastic strap of Jun’s sweatpants and stroking him through his shorts. Jun bites down on his lips, suppressing a moan.  
  
“Why are you such a difficult bitch, Jun-san,” Sho teases, panting heavily.  
  
“Look at yourself first, you insensitive jerk.” Jun shuts him up by smashing their lips together again.  
  
They don’t even make it to the living room. Jun is on his palms and knees, and Sho behind him. He pulls Jun’s sweatpants down together with his pants, and then he can feel the slight press of Sho’s slicked up fingers against his hole. “Fuck, yes,” Jun inhales sharply, when Sho enters two fingers at once. He pushes back against Sho’s hand.  
  
“God, I want you so much.” Sho bends down and bites into Jun’s butt. Jun hisses slightly at the feeling, but it feels weirdly good too. “You don’t even know how much I want you.”  
  
“More,” Jun demands, annoyed at how slow Sho procedes. And as always Sho just gives in. What follows is a sharp slap to his butt, making Jun’s arms tremble slightly. He hears Sho unbuckling his belt and pushing his trousers down too, before he can feel his thighs against his butt, and his dick pressed against his hole.  
  
Jun just nods slightly, signalling that it’s alright, that he feels prepared enough. Sho’s still a little too slow for his liking, so he pushes back against his hips while he feels how Sho’s dick fills him up. The stretch burns, but it feels good too.  
  
Sho gasps too and his fingers clasp Jun’s sides so tightly that there will probably remain marks. But he doesn’t mind at all.  
  
Sho’s still half-dressed, and he can feel his jeans against his legs, and his polo shirt against his back. He will probably regret wearing his clothes later when he has to clean them up again. Jun has no time to think about Sho doing the laundry though, because there is a sudden hand against his back, pushing his upper body further down to the floor so that his butt is exposed.  
  
Jun blushes slightly but he is beyond feeling embarrassed as Sho finally gives in to his demands and starts fucking him thoroughly, one hand clasped to his side, one holding his back down.  
  
“Yes, Sho, good…” Jun clenches his muscles slightly to make it more intense for both of them.  
  
Sho moans. “Fuck, Jun, you are so hot.” He grabs a handful of Jun’s hair and pulls his head back slightly, and kisses his neck. “So hot,” he breaths out and lets go of his hair so that Jun drops down on the floor again.  
  
“Sho,” Jun whines, and as if Sho immediately understood, his hand wraps around Jun’s dick and starts jerking him off. He doesn’t tease him at all, just handfucks him until Jun comes with a loud moan. He tries to stay in position though so that Sho can continue fucking him in the same angle.  
  
When Sho comes, he can feel his dick pulsate inside him, and his hands quivering slightly, and it feels so fulfilling to hear his moans.  
  
  
~~~  
  
They have created a mess. Both of them still half-dressed, sticky and sweaty. But for now Jun couldn’t care less. He is just so freaking tired, and his arms are feeling a bit crampy from leaning his forehead against them.  
  
“Jun-san,” Sho’s fingers brush his bangs from his face. “You need to get up. You’ll catch a cold here, and your muscles will hurt.”  
  
“Shut up,” Jun mumbles tiredly.  
  
“You can’t sleep on the floor, babe.” Sho chuckles. “Like I would let you. Come.” He tugs at Jun’s arm and pulls him up. “I’m going to help you, and you can insult me all you want while I do so.”  
  
“Hm, that’s cute,” Jun mumbles in a daze, before he realizes what he actually said. “Sometimes you are so cute. How can you switch your personality so easily after you just fucked me like that?”  
  
Sho chuckles softly, bending forward to press his lips against Jun’s forehead. “Look who is talking,” he teases. “Mr. Do-me-now-you-jerk is suddenly cute like a puppy.”  
  
Jun snorts in amusement by the way Sho failed at mimicking his voice and lets Sho pull him up to his feet. “Bathroom,” he says, wincing slightly when he finally starts walking forward. They both are really stupid, he decides, for pushing each other into doing it rough like this. “If I don’t get a shower within the next ten minutes, I might just throw a drama.”  
  
Sho laughs slightly and takes Jun’s hand to lead him along. “I’m not going to say anything about drama,” he teases. “I’m afraid you might kill me if I do.”  
  
“Thanks,” Jun smiles. “Your sarcastic tone just now is enough of a comment.”  
  
“Well, you know, I’m just an insensitive jerk.”  
  
“Hm, and I’m an annoying bitch.”  
  
“Hey,” Sho pouts. “I didn’t call you annoying. I would never say that.”  
  
Jun raises his eyebrows. “So, it’s okay to call me bitch, but annoying is too much?”  
  
“Your bitchiness can be kinda hot and cute,” Sho analyses. “Hence it’s something else to call you bitchy. Annoying on the other hand is mean.”  
  
“Your logic, Sho-sensei, has always been interesting,” Jun teases, remembering when he was a teen and Sho had tried to explain algebra to him by using chocolate cookies. He is actually about to say more, but the soreness and tiredness hits in suddenly, and he just doesn’t have the strength to bicker or flirt anymore, he needs to clean himself and then go to sleep.  
  
It’s just fifteen minutes later that he drops down in his bed, drifting to sleep, while Sho is still trying to force something to eat on him. “Later,” Jun mumbles. “Later, Sho-san. I promise.”  
  
The expression on Sho’s face is guilty and sad one all of a sudden. “I’m sorry, Jun, for how I reacted tonight when you came home.”  
  
Jun reaches out his hand to brush over his cheek. “Don’t look like that, you idiot,” he tells him sleepily. “You are _my_ idiot after all. And I’m just equally stupid. You are sweet.”  
  
For a moment it seems like Sho is blushing, but it can't be. Has to be his sleepy mind interferring with reality.

Sho sighs. “I don’t know how that justifies this whole weird evening and all my wrong reactions, but…well… let’s talk about it later.”  
  
“Hm.” Jun nods.  
  
The last thing he realizes is how Sho lies down next to him, his warm body pressed against his back. This actually feels good.

 

 **A/N** : Somehow these two develop their own life (the basically do what they want and act on their initial first feeling). First a petty argument, and tears, and then they... well... make love is probably the wrong term here, isn't it? Or maybe it is? Just in their own twisted way. And, Sho is starting to feel guilty about his issues too ^^  
  


 

 


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

 

  
Jun realizes that it’s not as always. Normally when they vented their anger out like this, they would just accept it and not even mention it, but now that their relationship has begun to continuously change, things are different.  
  
It’s late morning when Jun finally wakes up, the space next to him is empty, but he can hear the noise of the TV coming from the living room. Sho probably got up earlier. For a moment Jun feels at loss… what now? What did they normally do when they jumped each other and vented out their anger through sex? It’s only a few weeks ago, but he can’t even remember what they did afterwards and how they faced each other.  
  
Jun sighs slightly, deciding he needs a shower first and freshen himself up, otherwise he won’t be able to form a coherent thought. His muscles are aching, doing it on the floor was probably a shitty idea to begin with. Well, not that anyone of them was even remotely at the place to even think about that.  
  
The warm water on his body feels good, and makes his muscles relax. The numb feeling slowly passes. He switches into fresh clothes and finally feels ready to face his lover. He finds Sho in the living room, staring at the TV. “I didn’t know you were into magical girl anime,” Jun analyses with a grin.  
  
Sho is a bit startled, before he looks at Jun and then back to the TV where a bunch of girls in short colorful skirts jump around and shoot hearts at a monster. He blushes slightly. “Oh,” he stutters. “I didn’t even realize I was watching this garbage.”  
  
Jun smiles and sits down next to him, wrapping his arms around Sho. Sho blinks in surprise. Then he turns his head and takes the invitation. He kisses Jun softly. “How do you feel?” he wants to know.  
  
“Regarding the circumstances, okay.” Jun admits honestly. “I’m glad we are free today. I would have had no idea how to practice my dance steps now.”  
  
“You should have stayed in bed,” Sho scolds him. “I told you not to get up before lunch!”  
  
Jun smiles a bit. “I needed to get up,” he finally admits.  
  
“Why?”  
  
Jun shrugs. “I wanted to see you and talk to you.”  
  
Sho nods, his lips shivering slightly. “I did let myself get drawn into it again,” he finally says sadly. “I should have controlled myself more.”  
  
“It’s not your fault.” Jun points out firmly. “You came here and wanted to talk… and… well… after all this time I know exactly how to push you.”  
  
“Macchan,” Sho says softly after a while. It feels weird for him to use his old nickname, but Jun assumes it’s probably because he is going to touch a sore topic. “I know, I overreacted yesterday, my fucking stupid jealousy, it's so out of place sometimes. But…” He pauses like he is carefully searching for words. “There is a reason you were so sensitive to my words yesterday, isn’t it? You were completely tensed, and snapped at me almost immediately. It was like you only waited for me to say something wrong.”  
  
Jun’s feeling proved him right. Sho was carefully trying to get down to a problem. He doesn’t need to be that careful though. Besides... he is right. “Sho-san.” Jun entwines their fingers. “To be honest, I’ve started to like us more when we don’t angry-fuck each other.”  
  
Sho smiles slightly. “Me too. But that’s not an answer.”  
  
Jun shrugs. “Somehow it is?” he offers carefully.  
  
“Not really,” Sho chuckles, and pulls Jun down with him on the sofa, snuggling up against him. “But it’s more than anything we’ve talked to each other ever before.”  
  
“Yes, we need to watch out not to get too honest and mushy,” Jun jokes and it finally draws a laugh from Sho.  
  
“Yes, imagine us talking about feelings all the time,” Sho teases. For a while he stays quiet, just nuzzling his nose into Jun’s freshly washed hair. Then he takes a deep breath. “You need to tell me at one point… what it is that bothers you... about us,” he finally says. “I mean, it’s okay for now, because I don’t think we’ve ever talked as much to each other as we did during the last week. And I like this direction we are going to. But at one point you need to tell me the whole truth.”  
  
“I will,” Jun promises after a while. “I just want to set my thoughts straight before that. You saw yesterday how easily I still get confused. Toshida-sensei will not be happy with me.”  
  
Sho smiles. “Say Jun… can’t I go with you?”  
  
Jun blushes deeply. “Isn’t that too embarrassing?”  
  
“You mean more embarrassing than feeling like I just raped my lover?”  
  
“Sakurai Sho-san!” Jun huffs and grabs Sho’s arm to turn him around so that he is looking at him directly. “You didn’t do anything against my will, you idiot! Don’t you dare making me a victim here! I’m just breaking you back as much as you break me. You understand? If you ever say something like that again, I will get fucking mad, I swear. And you can search for a better place to put your dick into! I mean it!”  
  
Sho blinks for a moment, then he snorts. “ _Put my dick into?_ I thought you were an eloquent talker," he teases, and Jun can't help a chuckle. "We really are a fucked up couple,” Sho continues with a half-serious, half-teasing smile. “Just imagine what Nino-kun would say if he heard us.”  
  
“Or Ohno-san,” Jun points out.  
  
“Ugh,” Sho shivers. “No thanks. It’s better they don’t know too many details.”  
  
Jun laughs. “True.” For a while he looks at Sho’s face, eyeing the little wrinkles around his eyes, his full cheeks and his beautiful eyes. He hasn’t realized up to now that he actually really likes watching him. “I…” he pauses. “Truth be told, Toshida-sensei already told me that I should take you along at one point. I will,” he promise. “Give me a few more sessions with him, to talk with him about how it should work and what I should do then.”  
  
“Fine.” Sho wraps his arm around his waist, and smiles. “This is actually more than I expected.”  
  
“What did you expect?” Jun wants to know.  
  
Sho grins. “A blunt _no way, you idiot_.”  
  
Ugh. He really is a bit too harsh towards Sho, it seems. “I’m sorry for being such a difficult prick recently,” he admits.  
  
“Not at all.” Sho says calmly. “In terms of being a prick, I’m way above you. I’m definitely taking the crown.”  
  
“Typical you,” Jun jokes. “You are such a sore loser. You always want to win.”  
  
Sho giggles.  
  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“You have an appointment today?” Sho wants to know.  
  
“Yes,” Jun sighs slightly. “I really don’t want to cancel on Toshida-sensei though I wish I could hide from him today. But I think it’s really important to see him, particularly today.”

"Fine, I'll take you," Sho says casually.

Jun blinks in confusion. "Huh?"  
  
“No way I’m letting you drive,” Sho says firmly.  
  
“Sho-san,” Jun chuckles. “I’m not a helpless princess that needs to be saved from the dragon and carried around by a bunch of servants. I can definitely drive.”  
  
“I said no and I meant no,” Sho points out. “You hardly slept and I want to satisfy my conscience. Grab your things, I’ll take you.”  
  
Jun blinks in surprise once more, but before he says anything, Sho grabs his face and kisses him, and he just has to return the kiss. “Listen, Jun-san, I will just be there and wait for you, okay?" Sho mumbles against his lips. "And when you are finished we can drive home and have a late lunch. I’ll not interrupt your talk with him, I promise. I won't be in your way there, and I won't trick you into anything.”  
  
“I don’t think you would,” Jun points out with a shy smile. “I know you would never do that. But is it really alright for you? You could do something else while I’m out. Isn’t it boring to wait?”  
  
“No way.” Sho grabs his keys and jacket. “You know I’m stubborn as hell, much more even than you. So there is no way to argue with me.”  
  
"I knew it. A sore loser." Jun chuckles slightly. “Okay,” he finally agrees. “Come with me.”

 

 

 **A/N:** Does Sho driving Jun count as him visiting the therapist too? XD So, in the end they somehow talked, but at the same time, they didn't really talk. It's probably too difficult for Jun to voice his fears, and Sho doesn't seem to have an idea what's really bothering Jun, or has he?

This reminds me... I've written a few chapters in advance, and I'm afraid I might do something mean in a few chapters *hint* *bringonthedrama*  
  
 


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
In case Toshida-sensei is surprised, he doesn’t show it. He wears a ridiculous blue-yellow beach shirt, the one Jun knows Ohno bought for him, and reaches out his hand non-chalantly. “It’s nice to finally meet you, infamous _Sho-san_. I’m sincerely happy, if not even thrilled to finally see you in person.”  
  
Sho unsuccessfully tries to hide his surprise and embarrassment by hearing Toshida address him like that and bows slightly. “Thank you for your help. I’ll just wait here.”  
  
“What are you talking about?” Toshida-sensei smiles cheerfully while he knocks at the door leading to his private apartment. When the door opens, Jun sees Yuko, his therapist’s wife. He already met her a few times and flailed over her perfect bakery. She is tall and slender, looks like she used to be a model and has an always so cheerful expression. “My dear,” Toshida smiles. “Can I load this young guy here at your place? His name is Sakurai-san.”  
  
Yuko smiles towards Jun. “Hello, Jun-san.” She chuckles. And- “Of course, why not? He can have tea with me. I hope you don’t mind though that I’m cooking meanwhile.”  
  
“I don’t want to bother you,” Sho stutters, throwing Jun a look of panic, like he is scared for his life and wants Jun to save him from a crazy maniac couple out of a horror movie. Jun can highly sympathize with him - when he first met Toshida he was also taken aback by his casual approach, his sun-burnt skin, his beach outfits and the way he stuffed him with food all the time.  
  
“Maybe she could teach you how to cook,” Jun points out teasingly, mainly to loosen the tension. It works because Sho blushes and glares at him at the same time.  
  
“Jun-san,” Sho grumbles reproachfully. “You are no help.”  
  
Both Yuko and Toshida laugh and make a dismissive gesture with their hands. “Don’t be so shy, Sho-san,” Yuko chirps mercilessly. “I’ll make you work anyway. I need someone to cut vegetables.”  
  
Jun shows Sho a hopefully supportive and encouraging smile before he follows Toshida with a tray with tea and mochi into his study. Toshida puts sugar into Jun’s tea and hands it to him. Before Jun can even carefully point out that he prefers no sugar, he shakes his head. “You look tired. Are you low on blood sugar?” he asks. “Drink that. It might boost your energy.”  
  
Jun sighs and carefully sits down on the sofa. Fuck. Every movement hurts, seriously. “I…” he pauses, blushing slightly when Toshida looks at him patiently. “Kenichi-san… you’ll probably be mad.”  
  
Toshida sighs. “I’m your therapist and not your father, Jun-san. I can’t get mad at you, it’s against my profession, and against my surfing-ideology.”  
  
“There is a surfing-ideology?” Jun chuckles.  
  
Toshida smirks. “There is.”  
  
“I had a recurrence,” Jun points out, feeling more at ease again after his therapist’s weird joke. “A pretty bad one.”  
  
Toshida nods. “I guessed that much already.”  
  
“How?”  
  
The other man shrugs a bit, and stirs some sugar into his own tea. “You look pale, and on top of that you brought Sho-san along. It never happened before.”  
  
“We had a fight yesterday,” Jun points out. “A pretty bad one. Actually I was irritated the whole week. Yesterday was just the last straw.”  
  
“Because you were thinking about our last talk and about what Sho-san did to you when you were young?” Toshida wants to know, and Jun can’t do anything else but shrug helplessly. “So, what happened?”  
  
“I went out with friends,” Jun explains. “I didn’t tell Sho-san that I would be out.”  
  
“Ignored his calls?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
“And his messages,” Jun admits. “He just wanted to know if I’m alright, but I couldn’t bring myself to answer.”  
  
“So, why?” Toshida asks and sips at his tea. “Why did you play him like that?”  
  
“I wanted to tick him off,” Jun says automatically, surprised by his own words. He hasn’t realized that back then he really wanted to piss Sho off. “Oh my god,” he breaths out. “I just wanted to tick him off… I don’t get myself at all, really.”  
  
Toshida tilts his head and stays silent for a while, before he puts his cup aside. “You wanted to have a reason to be openly mad at him. Because you don’t allow yourself to confront him about the past, you were searching for another way out. Am I right?”  
  
Jun’s eyes are wide in shock. “I didn’t even realize that I did it with intent,” he mumbles, feeling miserable. “I mean, I hate this kind of drama actually. And once I was back home, and we fought, I felt miserable. I basically ran out of our shared apartment back to my own.”  
  
“You left?” Toshida asks carefully.  
  
“I didn’t even know that ran away from Sho-san, until I was at my own place, and it all sunk in.” Jun pauses, stirring in his tea nervously. “And then the usual happened. He came to my place. I think he actually wanted to talk, but we ended up having sex. The angry kind of sex.”  
  
“And how did you feel?” Toshida wants to know, a soothing smile gracing his face, like he wants Jun to be as relaxed as possible… like they are talking about the weather.  
  
“Not good,” Jun admits. He rubs his head slightly. “I’m a horrible person.”  
  
“Jun-san,” Toshida interrupts him. “You are not. You just snapped, and it’s only natural that your emotions were stirred up and you felt confused. Don’t beat yourself up over it.” he smiles soothingly. “You had a fight, because you both wanted to hurt each other. You’ll learn from this mistake, I’m sure.” He pauses. “So you got intimate shortly afterwards?”  
  
“Yes,” Jun admits shyly. “This time though it was different.”  
  
“How?”  
  
“I don’t mean the sex. It was the usual angry sex we used to have, but afterwards I felt really bad. And I guess Sho-san felt even worse.”  
  
“Did you talk about it?”  
  
“A bit, this morning. We agreed on liking each other more when we don’t get intimate that way. Sho-san felt really guilty though, and I tried to tell him that I’m just as guilty and stupid as he is.” Jun sighs. “Say it,” he mumbles. “One step forward, two steps back.”  
  
Toshida chuckles. “I’m definitely not going to say anything like that.” He smiles warmly. “It’s not like I’m happy for the both of you to fall back into old patterns,” he points out. “But it's simply part of the process that something like this happens. Don’t beat yourself up over it, and your Sho-san shouldn’t do it either.” He smiles. “How about you try to see the progress you are making instead? After all, when was the last time you actually talked to each other openly? And you both felt bad about what happened, which is a good sign in general. You are seeing your relationship differently now and you expect different things. You both want to be happy with each other, and that’s a good thing.”  
  
“I do,” Jun admits quietly. “I want to be happy with Sho. I want to stay together with him.”  
  
“You know my answer to that,” Toshida says casually.  
  
“You want him to visit you too.” Jun analyses. “And he wants to come.”  
  
“He does?”  
  
“Hm,” Jun sighs. “He asked me. I’m still trying to wrap my mind around it… and I know it’s important… and…”  
  
“How about I talk to him separately,” Toshida offers.  
  
For a moment Jun blinks in surprise. He hasn’t even taken this option into account. Of course it’s weird and embarrassing to know that Sho will talk to Toshida alone, but then… he is doing the same thing after all… “I think I need to get drunk to tell him that… but I’ll offer it to him.”  
  
“Finally,” Toshida smiles proudly. “That’s a huge step forward. I think it will be a good opportunity for you and Sho-san.” He pauses, tilting his head slightly. “It reminds me of something I wanted to ask you since a while though.”  
  
“What’s that?” Jun asks curiously.  
  
“Why are you calling him Sho- _san_?” Toshida looks at him thoughtfully. “I’m just curious.”  
  
“I’ve always called him like that,” Jun stutters. “I mean, I… sometimes I call him just Sho or Sho-kun, but most of the time… It feels so natural.”  
  
“I was just curious,” Toshida admits. “There is nothing wrong about it, Jun-san.”  
  
“So what do you suggest me to do now?” Jun asks carefully. “I’m afraid I’ll overthink everything again… and well… you know what happens then…”  
  
Toshida turns a bit in his chair, eyeing the plate in front of them, then he looks at Jun directly. “Again, you know my answer to that.”  
  
Jun swallows. “You want me to talk to him about everything that bothers me. To lay it all in front of him.”  
  
Toshida nods.  
  
“I can’t,” Jun says quietly. “I wish I could, but I’m not strong enough yet.”  
  
“You are,” Toshida argues. “You just don’t believe it. But I’m not going to push you more for today, so… something different…”  He looks at Jun with a smile. “When was the last time you went on a date?”  
  
Jun blinks, frowning slightly, while he tries to think about this question. He blushes deeply. “Never.”  
  
“You are kidding me?” Toshida obviously tries hard not to laugh.  
  
“We are such a weird couple, aren’t we?”  
  
“No, you aren’t weird. Unique maybe. But not weird.” Toshida forces another cup of tea on Jun. “Now you know what to do though. Go on a date. If your schedule allows it, you should probably even drive away for a weekend and spend some time together. At a place that is not home, somewhere else. Change of scene, you know?”  
  
“My sister has a little cottage in the countryside, in the mountains. She might lend it to us for a weekend,” Jun offers quietly.  
  
“Now that’s what I call a plan!”  
  
  
~~~  
  
  
“Stay!” Sho points with the wooden spoon at Jun who is relaxing on the sofa. “If you move once more and try to help me with cooking our lunch, I swear, I’ll spank you with that spoon.”  
  
Jun has to laugh. “Are you actually trying to keep me away now or to allure me into doing it?”  
  
“Uh,” Sho whispers, sneaking closer and kissing Jun, who was banished by him on the sofa. He is lying on his stomach now, sceptically eyeing Sho’s efforts in the kitchen. “My kinky sweetheart.”  
  
“You were the one talking about spanking,” Jun points out teasingly.  
  
“And you the one suggesting to try it,” Sho jokes, and smacks Jun’s butt with the spoon.  
  
Jun jumps a little, and laughs. An interesting feeling, he decides, something he needs to analyse further. Sho seems to think the same, because he grins impishly. “Wait until you are better, and I’ll definitely get back to your suggestion.”  
  
“I knew you were kinky.” Jun smiles.  
  
“Yeah, we really complement each other’s strengths,” Sho grins, before he is all earnest again. His eyes widen in shock. “Ah, you distracted me. My soba noodles…”  
  
Sho’s soba noodles were probably already ruined far before he had this little intermission with Jun. The taste is completely off, not only the texture, the soup is too salty and the onions he put into the soup were cut into huge pieces.  
  
Sho pouts. “This doesn’t even remotely look like what you cook. And I thought after Yuka-san showed me how to do it today, I could finally provide you with something edible.” Jun is still searching for a diplomatic answer, when Sho says it himself. “Cooking is not my strength,” he sighs.  
  
“Other things are though,” Jun points out. “Besides, the thought counts too!”  
  
“Unfortunately the thought isn’t edible,” Sho whines and Jun just has to giggle at that silly comment.  
  
“I’ll eat it though,” he points out and bravely digs into the salty soup. A nice thought, it’s a nice thought, he repeats like a mantra and actually manages to swallow down a bit from the food… until Sho takes his plate away.  
  
“I don’t want to poison you,” Sho admits and smiles almost shyly. “When I went to the bathroom before I already called the sushi shop around the corner. They’ll deliver something.”  
  
Jun wants to blurt out a Thank you, but bites down on his tongue before he can sound too over-excited for not having to finish Sho’s lunch. Instead he just smiles politely, nods and decides to change the subject. “Do you think it’s weird that I call you Sho-san or Sho-kun?” Jun frowns, rephrasing his question when he sees the confused look in Sho’s eyes. “I mean, would you prefer me to call you differently?”  
  
Sho looks at Jun for a few seconds, then he smiles tentatively. “Did you always refer to me as Sho-san when you were with your therapist?”  
  
Jun sighs slightly. “That obvious?”  
  
“Why would you question it now,” Sho muses. “If not because he asked you about it. Besides, when I came to his place today, he greeted me like that too.”  
  
“And?” Jun wants to know. “Does it bother you? Do you want me to call you differently?”  
  
“Like what?” Sho asks with a teasing smile. “Honey, Babe, Sho-chan, King? Oh, or Hot-lover-san, Best-sex-san?”  
  
Jun half glares, half chuckles. “Don’t be silly. I’m serious. I mean, should I call you…” He pauses, blushing when he continues “…Sho?” God, this is embarrassing. “Do you want me to add a –kun or a –chan… or I don’t know?”  
  
For a moment Sho looks at him, then he giggles. “Sometimes you are so adorable,” he squeals. “As I said: my cute fluffball.”  
  
Jun frowns. “And you are so silly sometimes.”  
  
Sho grins. “Yes, maybe I am. But hey-“ He takes Jun’s hand, squeezing it softly. “You call me whatever way you like to call me. And I do the same. It’s our thing. The others might call each other Masaki-chan and Oh-chan and Nino-chan and whatever, they do their thing, we do ours. For me it’s a way of showing you my respect to call you Jun-san.”  
  
Jun chuckles. “Who is being a cute fluffball now?” He rubs over Sho’s arms and smiles. “Fine, I agree. Another suggestion. Toshida-sensei inspired it…”  
  
“What?” Sho asks curiously.  
  
“How about the cute fluffball takes his sister’s cottage for a weekend and goes on a short little vacation with his silly hot-lover-san?” Jun offers, already bracing himself for any reaction this might evoke. Their schedules are loaded after all, and Sho’s is particularly crazy and-  
  
“You mean a few days away from this place, from daily routine? Just the both of us together without being able to run away from something?” Sho chuckles. “Sounds scary and awesome at the same time. Let’s do it. But be aware that I won’t let you run in case we have a fight.”  
  
“I would be mad if you’d let me,” Jun points out, realizing too late that what he just said is almost too mushy for him. To his relief the doorbell rings right at that moment, and their food gets delivered. Sho gladly can’t say anything to his last comment.  
  
Slowly Jun starts to feel slightly optimistic again. They have a beautiful, relaxing dinner together, they talk about random stuff, and at one point Jun falls asleep at the sofa. When he wakes up again, it’s dark, and a blanket is covering him. Out of the study he can hear Sho’s voice though. Jun stands up silently, wanting to surprise Sho, but unfortunately he is on the phone. Jun is about to go back again, when he hears it.  
  
_No, I can’t tell it to Jun, particularly not Jun!… Yes, my dear…. No, I won’t… No, please don't tell it to my mother!...See you tomorrow, dear?_  
  
Jun leaves the door immediately, the last thing he wants is to spy on Sho or anything. He takes the blanket and goes to their bedroom thoughtfully. Who did Sho talk to? What can’t he tell him? And who the hell did he call _dear_? Something inside Jun’s stomach stings painfully. It just reminds him of things that happened long ago.  
  
When Sho comes to the bedroom half an hour later, Jun pretends to be asleep. Should he ask Sho about it? No, it would be silly and pathetic to ask. It’s probably nothing at all…  


 

 **A/N:** So, Jun got some insight about his own actions again, Sho might visit Toshida-sensei too... and Sho has a secret? Something he hides from Jun?  



	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

Jun can’t wait for their vacation to come, but it’s still a few weeks until they can actually take off. After all there are concerts to plan and choreographies to learn. And Sho starts visiting Toshida-sensei too. Before he did so, Toshida promised Jun that everything he and Jun talked about and everything they will talk about will stay confidential. He will be treating Sho as an individual patient.

“Though, of course, it’s an advantage that I know you now,” Toshida jokes. “It might come handy in some cases. And you know, I would still prefer to talk to you as a couple, but, well, one step after another.”

Jun feels sympathetic for Sho because he goes through the same distress that he himself went through. It’s even more obvious now that Jun adapted to some things, and also to Toshida’s methods, while for Sho it’s all new. And Jun knows that Sho is not the type to go to a therapist at all. He does it for Jun, for them. And it makes Jun’s stomach jump in surprise and at the same time he can’t simply believe it. He tells Toshida-san his doubts and fears and hopes. That Sho actually thinks he is important enough to join a therapy for, and not just a mere amusement.

“Jun-san,” Toshida says softly. “You need to tell him. These questions… you need to ask him.”

Jun sighs slightly. He knows it’s true. But how the hell should he ask Sho something like that? What is he supposed to say? He is actually good with words, but this is a little too much. He needs to wrap his mind around this before he can voice it out.

~~~

 

For now they don’t have any time to think about their vacation though. The next weeks are unusually stressful, so packed with work that they don’t even see each other much. Jun almost wishes they would fight again just to have sex afterwards, but it doesn’t work like that anymore. He doesn’t want to fight with Sho. And he tries hard not to think about the phone talk he overheard a few nights ago.

Sho is a little thoughtful recently, almost nervous. And it makes Jun’s stomach twist painfully each and every time he sees him like that. It reminds him of too much. He doesn’t want to be haunted by these pictures and memories anymore, he can’t even tell Toshida-sensei what it is he sees in Sho’s eyes right now.

Jun shakes his head. No, this is silly. He is being silly. He decides to simply dash forward and call Sho instead of getting nervous about his indifferent attitude.

“Jun-san?”

“Yes, it’s me.” Jun’s stomach flutters by hearing Sho’s voice. “Is it okay to talk now?”

“Sorry, I’m a bit busy.” Sho seems to talk to someone next to him. Well nothing unusual so far.

“Sorry for calling you. You are probably preparing for work,” Jun muses.

“Not really.” Sho answers casually.

“Oh.” Jun blinks. “So can you talk now?”

“I’m sorry.” Sho’s voice is weirdly blank like he doesn’t want someone else to hear he is talking with someone on the phone. Jun blinks in confusion. What’s he doing now? “I’ll call you back, okay?”

Before Jun can even answer with yes, Sho has already hung up. For a moment Jun stands there, tilting his head in confusion. He decides not to get worked up over something so small, instead he just writes a message to Sho. _Miss you. Are you free for lunch today?_

Unfortunately Sho doesn’t answer. He also doesn’t call Jun back. Jun keeps his mobile close to him all day long, even when he decides he needs to go out and doesn’t want to spend his time like a stupid teenage girl waiting for her crush to call her. It feels pathetic that way. Instead he calls Nino and drags him out of his apartment to have a drink with him in their favourite bar.

He believes Sho will call eventually when he isn’t that busy anymore, but unfortunately he doesn’t.

 

~~~

“You look like you want be everywhere else but here,” Nino analyses dryly. “Same goes for me by the way. So why the hell are we here? Let’s grab some food and go to my place.”

“No, I like it here,” Jun says stubbornly. “It’s a nice place. And they sell awesome mojito.”

“Then let’s take their mojito home and have it there,” Nino suggests hopefully. “I promise we can get drunk at my place, and watch whatever movie you want!”

“Just a few drinks, Nino, please.” Jun sighs, eyeing his phone nervously. He sighs in frustration, what the hell is he doing here? He is meeting his friend and all he can do is staring at his phone and thinking about Sho, this idiot. Jun wonders if he should tell Sho that he is out, but after all Sho hasn’t called him back all day, nor did he answer his message… So, why should he?

He puts his phone in his jacket and instead focuses on Nino completely. His sudden change in attitude apparently works on Nino too, because he looks a lot more motivated too. After five drinks of mojitos Nino has angled for a sheet of paper and he and Jun start rating the guests in the bar.

“A solid eight,” Nino giggles. “He has nice abs.”

“But his hair is too short,” Jun points out, his tongue stumbling over every second word.

Nino giggles even more. “Who cares for the hair when he is naked?”

Jun joins his silly giggling and nods. “Okay, eight.”

They rate all the male customers like that, and think about hooking Nino up with one of them. “Do you want the ‘ _eight’_ ,” Jun asks innocently. “I could ask him if he wants to join us.”

“Better ask him if he wants to take me home,” Nino jokes.

They both laugh, and they both know that Nino doesn’t mean it. He isn’t going to take any of these guys home. It’s not particularly his style. After a few more silly jokes and a few bites of teriyaki chicken they ordered, Jun decides to go to the toilet. He wavers slightly, but he is slowly starting to sober up again.

He isn’t surprised to see that the bathroom isn’t empty, but he is surprised to meet ‘ _eight’_ there. Damn it, yes, he is pretty! Seeing him so close he is probably even a higher rating than a mere eight. Nino is right, who cares about the hair when the rest of the guy looks perfect?

The guy smiles at him, an alluring and soft smile. Jun sobers up even more at that smile. He knows it, he knows this smile. The guy wants to flirt. He wants to pick him up or hit on him or whatever… He hasn’t seen such a smile since forever.

“Hi,” _rating eight_ says. “I saw you checking me out.”

Well, he and Nino did, but just for fun, nothing more. Still he doesn’t move away when the guy comes closer, so close that Jun can see that there are grey sprinkles in his brown eyes and that he has a few tiny wrinkles around his eyes. Also he smells nice. He remembers him of times when Jun was still able to let himself fall and not doubt and question other people’s feelings. He misses these times, he sincerely does. Misses how he was back then and how simple things were and how easy it was to fall in love and to love someone. He misses the times when he was still so young and full of ideals and dreams, and he feels bitter that it was his experience with Sho that broke some of these dreams. He wishes he could go back, go back to laughs, and giggles, and softly whispered I love yous.

The guy shows him a dazzling smile, his hand touching Jun’s shoulder, and all of a sudden he leans forward.

 

A/N: I'm so sorry I couldn't update last week, but I was hardly online because my week was so stressful. Well, but here is the new chapter.  
So... what do you think, will Jun do it? OO  



	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
It would be a lie to say that Jun didn’t hesitate or that he didn’t find the thought of it really alluring. That he didn’t wish he could finally lie in someone’s arms again and feel peaceful and not torn like he is when he is with Sho. For a second there is even the thought of revenge. I can do the same painful thing to Sho that he did to me.  
  
He _did_ hesitate, and he _did_ think about revenge, and _did_ miss these times when he was still innocent and could believe in someone full-heartedly. He still does. And he wondered how it would be to kiss this pretty guy, right here, right then. To leave his old love behind and find a new one.  
  
But he can’t.  
  
No matter how often Sho hurt him and how cruel he was when they were younger, and how painful the memories still are, he can’t betray him like that. He doesn’t want to get to know a new love, he wants to keep his old one.  
  
“I’m sorry,” Jun says softly before the guy can kiss him. “You are a temptation, really, but I can’t. I wish I could, but I can’t”  
  
They guy sighs first, then he chuckles. “Well, would have been a surprise if you were single,” he says, and Jun is sincerely relieved that he didn’t go for that tiny moment of temptation, just for the sake of forgetting and relaxing. He is sure that afterwards he would have felt horrible.  
  
~~~  
  
“Let’s go.”  
  
Nino looks up in surprise. “What?”  
  
“I need to get away from here before I’ll do something stupid,” Jun says silently.  
  
“But-“  
  
“Sho wasn’t at work today, but didn’t have time for me either. He didn’t call me back although he promised nor did he answer my message. It’s like when we were young. He used to fall into the same patterns. He could be the perfect partner, and only days later he would suddenly turn his back at me. I’m sick of this, Nino, but I need to get home.”  
  
Nino looks worried but he nods  nevertheless, and gets up. Of course Jun pays for their drinks, but when they leave, Nino tugs at his sleeve. “He isn’t betraying you, J. He isn’t the same Sho as before.” He pauses. “He isn’t betraying you,” he says, and Jun wonders who he wants to convince with these words.  
  
Jun thinks about the moment at the toilet, and how that guy approached him. What if Sho finds someone who is a lot easier to handle than Jun? Who is able to give him a calm and soothing life? Who won’t yell at him and isn’t difficult? Someone without issues. “You can never be sure about that,” he says, and he is surprised by how steady his voice sounds.  
  
  
~~~  
  
Jun knows why he went for that drink with Nino and why he needed that distraction. He also knows why he called Sho, and felt nervous about it, and he knows that he didn’t just hear any voice at the other side of the phone, but a woman’s voice. He knows all that, but he refused to face it. The expression he saw on Sho’s face during the last two weeks is the same as when they were young.  
  
It’s just the same expression as years ago when Sho was fucking other dates. It’s the same.  
  
During the next days it’s getting more and more difficult to reach Sho and to talk to him. And against his own will Jun starts getting more impatient again though he tries to keep his cool more than he did before. He holds back rather than to snap at Sho for something, he doesn’t want to scare him away or make him choose someone else over him. Damn it, it makes him realize how deep into this relationship he already is. Having Sho drop him a second time will be too much… How should he deal with that then? He is so scared of this thought that he can’t even tell Toshida about what’s going on, although his therapist senses that something is off.  
  
But he just can’t face it.  
  
“Did you wait for me?” Sho asks when he comes back home. He looks a bit tired and detached.  
  
“Well, I haven’t seen you a lot recently,” Jun says, trying to keep his voice light.  
  
“Jun-“  
  
“You know, I met Toma-kun and Masaki-kun today,” Jun interrupts him, goosebumps appearing on his skin by the tone in Sho’s voice. He knows it’s useless, but maybe he can distract him by rambling about… just anything. “Toma bought a new car and Masaki-kun invited the both of us to his parents’ place for having ramen, and-“  
  
“Jun-san,” Sho interrupts him and approaches him earnestly. He puts his hand on Jun’s arm and presses it slightly. It’s been a long draining day, following a long draining week. And Jun has gotten more depressed every day, and Sho more and more thoughtful.  
  
The look in Sho’s eyes makes Jun almost freeze in panic. “Yes?” he stutters.  
  
“I need to tell you something,” Sho says deadly serious. “I think it’s better if you hear it from me and not from someone else, so that we can discuss how we want to continue with this.”  
  
Something inside Jun’s stomach tugs painfully. “What do you mean?” he manages to rasp out.  
  
“I…” Sho takes a deep breath and Jun feels like shaking him to stop him from continuing. “The last months were great,” Sho states. “And you really tried hard. I know you did. But visiting a therapist, and talking about all the things that happened, made me realize that it’s too much, Jun.”  
  
“What… Sho-san,” Jun begs.  
  
“I’m so sorry,” Sho interrupts him and judging by the look in his eyes he actually really is. “I thought it would work, but it’s just… we can’t make it. It’s unbearable for the both of us. I can’t make you happy. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to become the person who makes you truly happy.”  
  
Something behind Jun’s eyelids starts to burn, and everything gets blurred up. It’s just the same… almost the same as ten years ago. He should have known it. No one changes, a person can’t change, Sho can’t change. “You want to break up?” he says with a hoarse, shaky voice.  
  
“Maybe we should? I’m sorry.” Sho says with a sad sigh.  
  
It’s more than Jun actually can bear, more than he can take, and overflown by anger and disappointment, he just has to blurt it out. “How can you… you… jerk. Again! I knew it… I should have known it.”  
  
“Jun,” Sho uses this indifferent stoic voice that Jun hates so much, but at the same time it's weirdly shaky. “I… I coincidentally met someone else and I didn’t mean for something to happen between us….”  
  
Before Sho can even continue, Jun slaps him so hard that Sho gasps in shock and Jun’s fingertips are tingling from the sudden impact. Damn it, damn this idiot. He moves his hand over his eyes. It burns so much behind his eyelids, but he just can’t let these tears drop down. This guy is definitely not going to see him cry. Never again.

 

 **A/N:** Not kidding, but I was almost scared of posting this (I feel like you guys might want to slaughter me for this chapter ^^). I feel so mean - What are these two even doing? I think by now they probably ask themsevels this very same question.  
So, what do you think? What happened?


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
Jun’s heart hammers against his chest so strongly that he is afraid that it’s just going to jump out of his body, so that Sho can stomp on it another time. A fucking _third_ time! Why the hell was he so stupid to believe in Sho once more? He knew all this sweet-talking was good for nothing. Sho never loved him.

He reaches out his hand, ready to just grab anything he can find and run out of this apartment forever - and he is sure that this time Toshida won’t reprimand him for doing so - when his glance brushes over Sho’s face, and then he sees it… _It_ …

It makes him stumble backwards immediately. The look in Sho’s eyes pulls the ground away beneath his feet.

Sho looks shocked, and pained, and guilty and confused… all of it at once, all of it is reflected in his eyes so openly like Jun hasn’t seen it in Sho’s eyes before. Sho has never looked so open. He moves the back of his hand to his cheek now where Jun’s handprint is blooming. “Jun-san…” He pauses, biting down on his lips. He looks guilty and embarrassed at once, and it confuses Jun even more. “You really believed it?”

“What…” Jun manages to stutter. He is not sure anymore what to make out of this weird expression Sho is showing him, and of these even weirder question he just asked.

“I knew you were carrying some emotional baggage with you, but…this? You really believed I would pull such a stunt on you again.” Sho moves his hand away from his cheek and makes a step closer to Jun, trying to grab his arm, but Jun manages to smack his hand away.

“You… tricked me,” Jun finally breaths out, as the realisation finally sinks in. Sho didn’t meet someone else, he didn’t want to break up… he just…  “This was a trick, you wanted to test my reaction!”

Sho at least has the decency to look bad. “I’m so sorry Jun-san. I didn’t want to make you cry, I just…”

“You fucking idiot,” Jun blurts out in sudden rage, the tears in his eyes swelling up. He can’t remember the last time he felt that angry before – in fact, he is sure that he never actually felt like that, not even years ago when Sho left him. He doesn’t even mind if he is crying in front of Sho now or not. “How could you trick me like that? Do you even know how I feel, you jerk? Do you even remotely understand what you just did!? I should have just kissed that guy in the bar last week, instead silly me was thinking about you idiot and your feelings! How could you!?” He yells. “How? Is it so much fun to make a fool out of me!?”

“Jun…”

“Don’t _Jun_ me,” Jun hisses. “I hate you, you heartless prick.”

He has promised Toshida-sensei and Sho not to run away again in a fight, but no one can stop him from locking himself into the bathroom now. The other reason he doesn’t just run out of the apartment is that Sho is basically standing right in front of the door, and he is sure he would try to stop him from leaving, and he doesn’t want to deal with Sho at all right now. Doesn’t even want to look at him. Like seriously. He smashes the door to the bathroom close and locks it before Sho can even react, then he leans against it with a deep sigh. He wants to open the water and splash some cold wet into this face, but his hands are trembling so much that he can’t even move them properly.

“Jun-san.” He can hear Sho’s voice from the other side, unusually soft. “I’m so sorry, my love. I really, really am. I know this looks like some sort of sick game to you, but I swear it isn’t.”

“Just go away,” Jun hisses.

“No, I won’t,” Sho mumbles. “I’ll never go away. Although you easily believe that I would.”

“Don’t turn this here around so that I’m the one at fault,” Jun huffs angrily. His breath goes unusually heavy and short, like when his allergy kicks in really heavily and he overdoes it with his work out at the same time or when he has been on stage for hours and needs his oxygen mask… just worse. He leans against the cold tiles of the bathroom, trying to calm his breath down. He doesn’t have his asthma spray him with him, the emergency item in case he is really short on breath after a concert, and he doesn’t want to leave the bathroom and face Sho.

For a moment it’s silent, then he can hear a sound coming from the door, like someone is leaning against it. “You are right,” Sho admits quietly, his voice shaking. “It was an idiotic plan, and Toshida-sensei is probably going to scold me for it, and he will be right to be angry at me. You have every right in the world to be mad at me now, but I swear I didn’t want to play you or to use any sick tricks on you… I just… I… Jun, I love you. You need to know… I love you like I never loved someone before. And there is no way I’m going to leave you!”

It’s like Jun’s heart stops beating for a moment, before it continues… in a careful and nervous rhythm. “What?” he mumbles. “What did you just say?”

“I know I never told you. Actually I didn’t even realize that I never said it to you directly. For that I’m sorry. I’m also sorry for tricking you like that before. I wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t reached my own limits as well. I didn’t know how to talk to you, how to ask you about it…  I didn’t want to rip open old wounds. Believe me. I just needed to know what you feel… and what you fear, because you wouldn’t tell me… You have every right in the world to be mad at me and to yell at me, you can stay mad at me for how long you want, until you forgive me, but you need to believe me that I love you.” He pauses, and even through the door Jun can hear his breath hitching. “Jun, if you can’t ever forgive me for what happened years ago, how will we be able to move forward together?” He pauses. “You need to forgive me,” he begs. “Please forgive me.”

The sound of Sho’s voice, the way he asks him forgiveness makes Jun’s heart clench painfully. He sounds so desperate and so sad, and so hopeless, like he believes Jun will never really forgive him. Something about this makes Jun feel utterly sad for Sho all of a sudden.

Jun decides not to think. Not to overthink it. If he does it now, he will never be able to open up to Sho ever. It doesn’t matter how he looks like and if he just cried and his eyes are red and swollen and if Sho sees him in such a weak state, it doesn’t matter if he is sincerely mad at Sho right now, and disappointed…. But he can’t lock the truth out of his life.

When he opens the door, Sho basically drops into the bathroom. Apparently he was really leaning against the door, not believing that Jun would open it so fast. They both drop down to the floor, and Jun hits his head against the sink while Sho twists his ankle, moaning in pain.

Sho doesn’t seem to mind though, he hugs Jun immediately, holding him so tight that Jun feels that he might be running out of air (again!) if they stay like that. He can’t help it though and just has to hug Sho back. It’s only then that he realizes that he is actually crying heavily.

“Don’t cry,” Sho mumbles sadly. “Please don’t. I’m sorry. I love you, of course I do.”

 

 

 **A/N:** So here we are! Sho just played a trick on Jun (and will get his a** kicked for it for sure ^^) By the way, I already wrote this chapter a while ago, and was curious about your ideas and speculations about Sho's break-up last chapter.  It didn't make sense that Sho would cheat on Jun now and break up, when he has fought for him so much, right? Though Jun is majorly pissed now. For him it was just the same feeling like a true break-up. He feels like Sho just played with him.  >< And do you think they will finally be able to let the past rest?  
 


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
At one point they move from the cold bathroom floor to the warm living room sofa. Sho has fetched Jun’s asthma spray, and helps Jun with getting his breath go steadier again, then he catches his phone and dials Toshida’s number. Jun can hear how he says something about an emergency meeting, and that something happened, and Jun needs him as soon as possible.

When Sho has finished talking, he puts the phone aside and helps Jun with his spray again. “He is dropping by tomorrow morning,” he says and rubs Jun’s arms. “Should I tell him to come immediately? He said he could do that too.”

Jun shakes his head. His breath goes steady again, and he feels how he calms down slowly. Seeing Toshida-sensei tomorrow is good enough, for now he needs to concentrate on Sho. Toshida probably had a similar feeling, hence he offered to come the next day and not immediately. As always he is right.

When Jun fell after he opened the bathroom door he actually hit his head slightly, producing a little bloody cut on his forehead. Sho attends to it carefully, putting a little patch on it. When he is finished, Jun gets up to gather some towels and ice cubes from the kitchen and bathroom. He makes Sho take off his socks and pull up his trousers to wrap the ice-cold, wet towel around his sprained ankle. Then he wraps the cloth around the ice cubes and presses them against Sho’s cheek.

“Thanks.” Sho smiles carefully. “You really slap hard.”

“Are you complaining?” Jun huffs in annoyance.

“Not at all,” Sho tries to sooth him. He chuckles, pointing at the ice-bag. “With this it should be fine.”

Jun nods absent-mindedly.

“Jun-san.” Sho takes his hand and tugs at it until Jun looks at him. “I… to be honest, I can’t believe you were carrying this burden inside you, all alone. I knew something was off and that something was bothering you, I just didn’t know it went that deep. I should have though… it’s just logical. I was awful as a teenager, I was just an awful person. I was insecure, and pressured, but it’s not an excuse for how I treated you.”

“Maybe not an awful person, but sometimes you really were cruel back then,” Jun admits quietly. “You know, when we were together for the first time – you were cruel. Nothing like you are now, well… aside from a certain recent happening.”

“I’m sorry,” Sho squeezes his hand, looking sincerely guilty. “The moment I started with this charade, I didn’t actually believe you would really buy it. To be honest, I thought you would look through me. I was shocked myself when I saw the look in your eyes and how I hurt you with every word, and how you started crying.”

“You could have stopped midway,” Jun points out.

“Yes, you are right,” Sho admits quietly. “But in that moment I actually wanted to know the truth all of sudden. I couldn’t stop myself from going through it. And one part of me was even feeling a bit mad.”

That’s a new revelation. At least Sho is being honest though. “Mad?”

“Yes, I was mad for an instant,” Sho admits. “That you shouldered all that on your own without telling me. That you were so desperate to visit a therapist, and never told me what’s going on inside you. But somehow I understand now. After seeing the sensei myself, I understood why it’s not so easy to say some things. When our schedules got tighter recently, I could suddenly see this doubt in you, this fear… it was then that I wondered if it actually comes from what happened in the past. ”

Jun bites down on his lips, all this straight-forward talk from Sho makes him surprisingly emotional. It’s good to hear Sho voice things out, but at the same time it’s weirdly painful. “I should have told you from the beginning on,” Jun admits. “That I didn’t believe in your feelings when you approached me half a year ago. But instead of being honest and asking you about everything, and setting everything straight, I just vented my fears and my anger out on you. It wasn’t particularly fair from me either.”

“I wouldn’t call it unfair though, but unhealthy,” Sho says, squeezing Jun’s hand softly. “All this time you have been carrying all that emotional baggage with you and fought alone. You should have shared it with me.” Sho takes Jun hands, playing with his fingers. The expression in his eyes is surprisingly anxious. “Jun, to be honest I’m dreading the next question, but I need to know: Is there a possibility, even a tiny one, that you see a chance in actually forgiving me for what happened when we were younger? A tiny spark you see in me and my feelings and to which you can cling on to?” Sho bites down on his lips. They are quivering slightly and there are tears shimmering in his eyes, much to Jun’s surprise. He can’t recall the last time he has seen Sho crying… for real. To be honest, he is sure he has never seen him cry… ever. To know that Sho lets his guard down so much and shows himself so vulnerable in front of Jun, makes Jun’s heart tighten slightly. “You need to forgive me, Jun, at one point you need to forgive me otherwise no matter what we do, it’s useless.”

“Sho,” Jun says softly. He takes his face between his hands, and brushes over his cheeks. “Sho-san. I can’t say that I forgave you for what happened because back then you really hurt me more than anyone else could have done. I hated you. All those innocent feelings I had were washed away with every time you betrayed me. I’m not sure if I can forgive the you from the past. But I love the Sho from today. From now on I’ll try to work on letting go of the young, cruel, insecure and easily irritated Sho, and rather look at the kind, loving and caring Sho from today because I have forgiven this Sho long ago, and I love him with all my heart. Can you be patient with me a little longer until I got rid of that old image of you forever?”

Sho hugs him, and strokes over his back, before he kisses Jun’s temples. “Of course, silly. That’s finally an honest, straight-forward sentiment from you that I can definitely live with. And I will.” He chuckles slightly and pulls back, his eyes still a bit watery. “And you said you love me. That’s enough of reassurance for the moment.”

Jun blushes slightly. He said it, didn’t he? Well, Sho said it too, so all positions are finally cleared. “Sometimes I’ll be difficult to be around,” Jun admits. “Are you sure you can live with that?”

“You mean more difficult than the first months when you threw something at me on a daily basis?” Sho teases.

Jun chuckles. “Okay, maybe not that difficult.”

Actually, he just realized how patient Sho really is. To keep up with all the drama and to whole-heartedly work on what’s standing between them…. that’s a Sho he can definitely learn to trust and rely on.

“You know,” Sho muses after a while. “There is one thing that makes me panicked though.”

“And what’s that?” Jun wants to know.

“Toshida-sensei will be so mad, and I have to tell him about everything that happened,” Sho sighs. “I think he might rip my head off.”

“He has this surfer-ideology though,” Jun muses absent-mindedly. “He is always calm and understanding.”

“Really?” Sho looks at him like he talks about a different person. “Never saw a surfer-dude in front of me to be honest. Seems like he is handling us differently. Well, I guess, it’s just logical, different persons different therapy-strategies.”

Jun smiles slightly, and tugs at Sho’s arm.

“Yes,” Sho says when Jun throws him a tired glance. He wraps his arms around Jun and pulls him closer. “Toshida-sensei can definitely wait until tomorrow.”

 

A/N: I'm so sorry for the late update! I'm still in Japan (last Sunday we arrived in Tokyo, and I was so tired from jetlag and the long flight) and yesterday...I actually forgot ^^ (We are in Fukuoka now! God, I already bought so much >< But that's a different story :D)  
So... this here... they finally talk! XD  



	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
  
Jun lets Sho pull him in his arms when they finally go to bed. He feels drained and exhausted, and he is certain that Sho feels similar. He brushes over Sho’s back softly. “Don’t beat yourself up over it,” he mumbles soothingly. “Just a little. Like for the next year, until my birthday… or let’s say for my next ten birthdays, when you can make everything up to me by buying me the best presents ever. I love Tiffany’s… just saying.”  
  
It’s meant half earnest, and half as joke to light up the situation, and it seems to work because Sho smiles slightly against his neck. “Hm,” he agrees softly. “Just wait and see. I’ll be the best boyfriend you can imagine.”  
  
Jun smiles inwardly. Letting today aside where Sho went all sick-mindgame-maniac on him, he is sure he can believe in Sho’s words. Over the years he turned into a genuinely kind person. “Just shut up and sleep, you cute idiot,” Jun mumbles, and Sho chuckles softly, like he knows what Jun indirectly wanted to tell him.  
  
~~~  
  
“You have a nice apartment,” Toshida comments politely. He looks nervous and worried though, much more than Jun has ever seen him before. He is probably trying to count the hints and pieces together, and Jun assumes whatever he reads into the mood and situation, is pretty bad, because his gaze wanders from the patch on Jun’s forehead to the bandage on Sho’s ankle to Sho’s face, then he looks at Jun.  
  
“You still have that surfer-ideology going, don’t you?” Jun wants to know, remembering his talk with Sho and how Sho told him that Toshida is a lot more straight-forward when he talks to Sho.  
  
Toshida pulls his eyebrows up. “Why?” he asks and finally a chuckle escapes his lips. Apparently Jun’s approach made him loose some of his tension. “Is it so bad what you have to tell me?”  
  
“You know,” Jun says to diffuse the tension further while he leads Toshida to the sofa. “It’s not that bad actually. We might have overreacted yesterday by calling you.” While Toshida sits down, Jun shows him the most convincing smile he can come up with. “It’s alright. Sho-san and I talked almost all night long, and finally approached a few more difficult topics. I think it’s good now.”  
  
To his surprise it’s Sho who stabs him in the back. Or rather: Who throws himself into the knife. “It’s not,” Sho says calmly. “It’s my fault entirely, Sensei. I wanted to know what’s bothering Jun, because I didn’t understand what was still lying on his mind. Hence I pretended I was cheating on him and played through a break-up scenario yesterday where I told him we should put an end to this. That’s when everything escalated, and Jun-san had a nervous meltdown where he could hardly breathe.”  
  
“You did WHAT!?” Toshida exclaims in disbelief. Jun is sure he would have dropped his coffee if he had one. “Oh my god, Sho-san! Are you crazy?”  
  
“I wanted to make him talk,” Sho admits quietly.  
  
“And addressing the topic first didn’t cross your mind?” Toshida huffs angrily. “I never thought you would be so stup-…” Jun throws him a begging glance, and Toshida rolls his eyes but nevertheless revises his words. “…so naïve to-“  
  
“It’s a high exaggeration to say that I couldn’t breathe,” Jun tries to interrupt the two men, feeling bad for Sho for being yelled at.  
  
 “Calling me naïve is actually almost too nice,” Sho answers Toshida, lowering his gaze nervously. “You can just be brutally honest, scold me and tell me that I’m stupid.”  
  
“Oh,” Toshida comments grimly. “I will. Believe me I will.”  
  
“So…does anyone want tea?” Jun interrupts them. “And just so you know… If you two continue to ignore me, I’ll get really mad! And none of you wants to see me mad today, okay?”  
  
Sho and Toshida exchange a glance.  
  
“And there is no reason to look at each other like that,” Jun says firmly. “So, tea, anyone?”  
  
“You’ve developed quite some confidence,” Toshida comments dryly, but can’t help a smile. “Fine, yes, I’ll take tea. And then I would very much like to have a talk with you.”  
  
“With the both of us together?” Jun wants to know, feeling nervous all of a sudden. Much to his surprise he suddenly finds the idea of a joint session with Sho not so bad. So, it’s not like he can’t accept the thought of having Sho around during a therapy session, but in this case he feels a bit wary. It’s too much of a difficult situation.  
  
Toshida shakes his head. “No, this time I would really prefer to see you individually.  Jun-san, why don’t you fetch some tea and the cookies my wife send you, and join me. And Sho-san…”  
  
“I’ll wait in my study meanwhile,” Sho takes the cue immediately. “I’ve work to do anyway, and the study is pretty well isolated, so I can’t hear what you talk.”  
  
Toshida nods. “Yes,” he says thoughtfully, watching how Jun puts two cups in front of them and fills them with damping green tea. “This is a good idea.”  
  
Jun is not quite sure what Toshida wants from him today, but the man just asks him a few questions about his health and how he feels. Jun tries to answer without making the whole incident from yesterday sound too bad.  
  
“You are really nice,” Jun points out after a while.  
  
Toshida chuckles. “How come you point out the obvious all of a sudden?” he jokes, and Jun can’t help a grin.  
  
“It’s just that Sho-san told me that you are treating him completely differently,” Jun states carefully. Since Sho’s short comment from last night this question is bugging him. He isn’t sure if it’s alright to address it, but he is too curious to hold it back.  
  
For a while Toshida just looks at him thoughtfully, then he lets out a little sigh and a soft chuckle at once. “Sho-san won’t talk to me or open up if I am too nice to him. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to be heartless… but I have to be much more direct with him.”  
  
It’s simple as that, and it makes perfectly sense. “And what about me?”  
  
“It’s different with you because you are different.” Toshida sips at his tea. “Listen, Jun-san… I’ll ask you a few questions. All you need to do is to answer with yes or no.”  
  
“Why?” Jun blinks, frowning slightly. It’s the first time Toshida uses a strategy like that on him.  
  
“Because you are beating around the bush since we started talking,” Toshida explains. “I’m just going to make it easier for you by asking questions. You only need to answer. The only catch to it is that I only want yes or no answers. No explanation, no excuses.”  
  
“And if I refuse?” Jun wants to know, sensing the trap already before Toshida even started.  
  
“Well.” The man grins. “I’ve plenty of time today~ The whole day basically. It’s raining, my wife is out shopping and I can’t even go to the beach. Don’t tell me you had some comfy plans with your Sho-san?”  
  
Jun rolls his eyes at the teasing. “I…” He sighs. “Fine,” he gives in half-heartedly.  
  
“Good.” Toshida smiles. “So, let’s start… Did you believe that Sho-san cheated on you even before he told you?”  
  
“Yes,” Jun admits quietly.  
  
“Did you think about talking to him?”  
  
“No, but I-“  
  
“Ah, ah.” Toshida raises his hands. “No explanations, just yes or no.”  
  
Jun frowns.  
  
“Did it hurt you when Sho was distanced during the last days?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Did you forget to eat properly because of it?”  
  
Jun blushes slightly. “Yes.”  
  
“Someone hit on you in the bar last time, right?” Toshida wants to know, probably remembering their last session when Jun told him about it. “Did you find the thought of going with the guy alluring?”  
  
“Yes,” Jun admits, biting down on his lips guiltily.  
  
“Because it would have meant an easy way out?”  
  
Jun nods.  
  
“And it felt alluring that you wouldn’t need to pick up old broken pieces of your relationship then?”  
  
Again a nod.  
  
Toshida looks up thoughtfully. “Don’t just nod,” he demands. “Say yes or no.”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“This is only one side to it though, am I right? There is another reason why you thought about going with said guy…” He pauses.  “Did the thought of revenge cross your mind? I’m doing this to Sho-san, because he did it to me?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“But you couldn’t. Because you love Sho-san?”  
  
Jun blushes. “Yes.”  
  
“Did it crush you when he broke up yesterday?”  
  
“Yes”  
  
“And when he told you it was just a joke, did it hurt even more?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Did it hurt, because you were shocked and disappointed that he would play such a mindgame on you? Did you want to kick him for doing it?”  
  
“Yes,” Jun admits quietly. “And, yes.”  
  
“Did you hit him?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Did it feel good?”  
  
“No.”  
  
“Did you have a real panic attack yesterday?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“And did you do anything against it by using the strategies I told you?”  
  
Jun shakes his head, blushing slightly. “No.”  
  
Toshida sighs. “Did it make you remember every detail of your last break-up?”  
  
Jun nods.  
  
“Did you two talk?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
Toshida smiles slightly. “About everything?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Do you feel good now?”  
  
Jun frowns. Does he? He feels better, he feels like some weight got lifted from his shoulders, but really good. “No.”  
  
“But you believe you will?”  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Good,” Toshida smiles a relieved smile. “Then give me another cookie, and tell me what exactly happened.”  
  
“What!?” Jun blinks. “I just told you.”  
  
“You didn’t.” The other man smiles softly. “I asked questions, and you answered. But now you need to tell me in your own words.” When Jun glares at him, he bends forward a bit. “Jun-san,” he says softly. “I don’t mean to tease you or make you suffer or feel uncomfortable, but you need to say these things out loud. In your words, with your voice. I need you to repeat all the things that happened between the both of you… so often until they’ll not feel that painful and real anymore. Until they’ll lose their meaning to you.”  
  
Jun is surprised. It’s the first time Toshida actually explains to him why he does certain things or asks him certain questions. Up to now he just did it and wanted Jun to follow, but apparently he feels that Jun is ready to know what he needs to work on from now on. “You’ll help me to forget the past?”  
  
“Not forget,” Toshida says. “You should never forget the past. The past can always be guidance for your future, a memory, something you made important experiences with and learned important lessons from, but the past should never dictate your present life.”  
  
Jun lets the words sink in for a while, then he nods. “Okay,” he finally says quietly, swallowing nervously. “I’ll tell you what happened.”  
  
“And how you felt throughout it.”  
  
Jun nods.  
  
~~~  
  
  
The next two weeks are calm. Just like after a storm. It takes a while for Jun to realize that it’s all out in the open now, that Sho knows everything and that there are no secrets between them. It feels weird, and like he just threw up, but at the same time, it’s also a calming feeling. The tension, the fears, the nervousness, the insecurities… they might not be away completely, but they are almost gone. And with each day, they are further away.  
  
Sho hugs Jun in his sleep every night, like he is afraid that Jun will get up and leave him. And it’s Jun’s turn now to reassure Sho that he won’t just get up and go away like that, that he is as much invested into their relationship as Sho is.  
  
During the next days they are busy with concerts and meetings, but they both try to talk to each other as much as possible, and Sho tells Jun that a few weeks ago he was actually meeting with his cousin, not any woman, and promised her to help her planning her wedding, which is why he couldn’t talk too long on the phone. “I should have reassured you more,” he admits. “I’m sorry. I didn’t even think it would remember you of things that happened in the past.”  
  
The message Jun sent him when he wanted to meet Sho for lunch, he only saw in the middle of the night when Jun was already in his mojito haze.  
  
“Good thing you didn’t kiss that guy,” Sho half-jokes and half-complains, he also sounds a little panicked though.  
  
“I couldn’t hurt you like that. I thought about it for a moment… how it would be to hurt you,” Jun admits honestly. “It would have been a cheap escape.” He twinkles. “And I hate cheap stuff.”  
  
Sho smiles carefully. “You do.”  
  
“I wasn’t able to betray you, and hurt you,” Jun repeats earnestly now. “I couldn’t.”  
  
“I’m really happy you couldn’t,” Sho admits and eats the takoyaki ball Jun offers to him. “It means a lot to me.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
“I can’t believe it!” Toshida exclaims happily. “I want to make a photo for the family album,” he continues to joke. “The both of you, in my office, at once. It’s just too unbelievable.”  
  
“To be honest I’m already regretting it,” Sho answers dryly.  
  
Toshida sends him a glare. “Look who is talking about regret,” he teases back, and soon he and Sho start to bicker about something completely ridiculous, much to Jun’s surprise. He watches them for a while, grinning about the silly interaction before he goes and joins Yuko in the garden of her and Toshida’s house.  
  
She smiles brightly. “Jun-san! Did you flee from these two silly guys?”  
  
Jun chuckles. “Indeed.”  
  
“Let’s have some tea,” she offers, and drags him to the kitchen where she serves him fresh ginger tea with honey. They chat a bit about random stuff, until Sho finally comes looking for him.  
  
“Here you are,” Sho says with a pout. “You were gone all of a sudden, and we wondered where you are.”  
  
Jun smirks. “I’m here since half an hour. Did you really notice only now that I’m not sitting next to you anymore?”  
  
Sho blushes furiously, and shakes his head. “No, it’s not like that. I mean… I was too much engulfed in my talk with sensei, and…”  
  
Jun chuckles and Sho lets out a sigh of relief. “You really are easy to panic,” Jun teases softly, and takes his cup with tea and the tray Yuko prepared for them, and follows Sho back.  
  
“I’m nervous,” Sho admits all of a sudden.  
  
Jun wishes he would have a free hand to squeeze Sho’s arm soothingly. He tries to put it all in his smile though and looks at Sho warmly. “Don’t be,” he says softly. “We are in this together. And I’m just as nervous as you are.”  
  
They open the door to Toshida’s office. When he greets Jun with a secret wink, Jun feels at ease immediately, and he is glad that he and Sho both had time to relax a bit before diving into this probably awkward therapy session.  
  
“Listen,” Toshida says while they all stir their tea. “I want you to do something very specific for this first session together.”  
  
“And what’s that?” Jun wants to know while he can see out of the corner of his eyes how Sho moves in his chair restlessly.  
  
“I don’t want you to be yourself,” Toshida explains casually.  
  
“Huh?”  
  
“You-” He nods at Jun. “Are going to pretend that you are Sho-san. And Sho-san will pretend that he is you. I’ll ask you questions and you’ll answer as each other. I’ll address you as Sho-san, I’ll ask you a question, and you’ll answer like as if you are Sho.”  
  
“Like we are acting?” Jun asks nervously.  
  
“Yes, and no.” Toshida twinkles in his friendly way. “I know you are used to act, but I don’t want you to pretend something. I want you to answer in exactly the way you think your partner would. Do you think you could do that?”  
  
Jun tilts his head warily, before he gives himself a mental kick in the butt. “I’ll try.”  
  
“And you Sho-san?”  
  
Sho looks unusual pale. “Well… I… I think… I hope,” he stutters.  
  
“How about we give it a more… relaxed try at first?” Toshida offers, and looks at Jun insistently. Jun understand immediately what he wants him to do. Loosen up the tensed situation a bit. “How about each of you gives me a self-introduction as your partner first? Jun-san, would you like to begin?”  
  
Jun nods, a mischievous smile on his face. “Sure, I’ll start.” He coughs a bit, going for a serious expression. “My name is Sakurai Sho- _san_ ,” he starts, making Sho blink slightly. “My schedule is my hobby. In my free time I attend to my schedule, and my favourite activity is re-organizing and planning my schedule. My favourite object is my schedule diary, because I can plan my activities then.” Toshida grins while Sho throws him a somewhat embarrassed and amused glance. “My second hobby is burning food, and ruining my beautiful and stunning boyfriend’s kitchen. When I don’t plan my schedule, I normally browse the internet to shop from my favourite sex supply shop. My favourite items are a pink vibrator and black leather blind-folds. I plan on having sex every night from today on which I also wrote down in my schedule, and did I mention that I would love to-“  
  
“Stop it,” Sho squeals, laughing and hitting Jun with one of the pillows. “If you won’t stop, I’ll make a self-introduction about how you organize your hundred shoes and accessories.”  
  
They both giggle, and Toshida smiles in approval. “Can we start now?” he asks after a while. “Are you ready?”  
  
Sho lets out a deep sigh and nods. “Let’s give it a try.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
“Sho-san.” Toshida looks at Jun. “How are you feeling?”  
  
“Okay.” Jun frowns. He is sure that Sho isn’t feeling great, but also not really bad. “Just okay.”  
  
“Why are you feeling just okay?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
“The last weeks and months were straining,” Jun answers.  
  
“And why’s that?”  
  
Jun swallows, shifting around nervously. “I’m not sure…” he mumbles, but when Toshida nods at him encouragingly, he sighs. “My boyfriend is kind of exhausting.”  
  
“You are not!” Sho huffs from the side.  
  
Toshida glares at him. “SH!” He makes.  
  
“Why is he exhausting?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
“Because he is so much work,” Jun answers, trying to swallow down the lump in his throat. “He is so much fucking work. And he has so many issues. I think-“  
  
“What do you think?” Toshida asks softly when Jun stops.  
  
“I think at one point Sho-san will stand up and realize it’s too much work to be with me,” Jun admits, dropping his role for a moment. “He will say: It’s not worth it. You’re not worth it. He is right.”  
  
“It is,” Sho interrupts them. “You are!”  
  
Toshida shakes his head towards his direction, and Sho shuts up. “Do you love Jun, Sho-san?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
Jun stares at him for a while, allowing the question to sink in. “Maybe,” he finally says. “A bit.”  
  
Toshida turns to Sho all of a sudden. “What about you, Jun-san, do you love Sho-san?”  
  
Sho swallows visibly, wincing in his chair. He stays quiet for a pretty long time, much to Jun’s shock. “I’m not sure if I can,” he finally says quietly.  
  
“Why not?”  
  
“Because all he can do is hurt me.”  
  
Jun frowns slightly, not liking the direction this talk is going to. He is about to say something, when Toshida throws him a warning glance.  
  
“Can you forgive him?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
“No, why should I?” Sho pauses, looking sad all of a sudden. “There are so many guys out there that are better.”  
  
“There are not!” Jun interrupts him all of a sudden. “I already told you I will forgive you! Why won’t you believe me?”  
  
“Jun-san,” Toshida says softly.  
  
Jun sighs. God, this is a lot more difficult than he expected it to be.  
  
Toshida looks at the both of them thoughtfully before he turns to Jun again. “Sho-san, can you forgive yourself?”  
  
Jun just wants to call out a yes, because why shouldn’t Sho forgive himself? But then it dawns on him. It’s not that simple. He says it out loud. “It’s not that simple.” He glances at Sho, realizing that he probably hit the nail on its head. For Sho it’s not that simple. He wants Jun to forgive him, and even though Jun does, he first needs to learn to forgive and accept himself.  
  
Toshida leans back a bit, and takes his cup with tea. Jun lets out a sigh of relief when he realizes that he won’t push them anymore today. “I think it’s okay for today,” Toshida says, and points at the cake Yuko prepared for them. “Eat something!”  
  
They drive back home in silence. Jun is not sure how to break the awkward silence around them. What is he supposed to say? His own mind spins in circles, and he is sure Sho’s does to. When they are in the elevator up to their apartment, Sho suddenly takes his hand though. “You are worth it,” he says with insistence. “Please don’t belittle yourself.”  
  
Jun lets the words sink in before he squeezes Sho’s hand. “I love you,” he says instead of an answer, because it’s so important to him that Sho finally sees it. “Please believe me that I do.”  
  
Sho tilts his head for a moment, then he lets out a chuckle. He pulls Jun closer and kisses him all of a sudden. “I kind of want to use my favourite pink vibrator on you now,” he mumbles against Jun’s lips. It sends shivers down Jun’s spine.  
  
He wonders how they just went from being exhausted and drained to longing for each other. But then, he doesn’t want to question it. “What else do you want to do?” Jun teases, biting into Sho’s lip softly.  
  
“I wonder how long I can drag out your orgasm. Or let’s say: How long can I prevent you from coming~”  
  
Jun feels his body heating up. “You want me to beg?” he asks teasingly.  
  
“Hm  
~ That’s my goal.”  
  
“I hope you can deal with a disappointment then,” Jun teases.  
  
Sho smirks against his lips, and wraps his arms around Jun’s waist to pull him closer. “And I hope you aren’t a sore loser,” he whispers, biting into Jun’s earlobe softly.  
  
He doesn’t like to lose, just like Sho doesn’t like to lose. But the glance in Sho’s eyes tells him that tonight… in case Jun loses against him and Sho wins, Jun might just hit a double win.  
  
Jun grins, and grabs Sho’s collar to drag him towards their apartment. “Less talking,” he commands. “More action.”  
  
Sho smirks and smacks Jun’s butt lightly, before he puts his hands on Jun’s waist and follows him. “Just don’t complain tomorrow in case you can hardly move.”  
  
Jun grins. “I told you once, didn’t I? Don’t promise too much.”  
  
Sho laughs and kisses Jun’s neck. “Believe me, I’ll keep my promise.”  
  
  
~~~  
  
Later that week they are invited at Sho’s place for a family dinner, which Jun braces himself for days in advance. He sets an emergency meeting with Toshida afterwards. Toshida actually looks really worried this time, much to Jun’s surprise. “You look like you expect the worst,” Jun says pointedly.  
  
Toshida sighs. “To be honest, after your last emergency call two weeks ago when Sho-san played this trick on you, which I by the way was really mad about, I’m a little more sensitive towards the word _emergency_ from you.”  
  
“It wasn’t that bad,” Jun defends Sho immediately. “I know it was a pretty stupid move. But I mean, looking back at it now, it-“  
  
“Funny that you see it like that. Because every time I met him afterwards, he told me you had to use your asthma spray, the one you normally only use for concerts when you are exhausted and need oxygen. He said you were hyperventilating, and how he still feels horrible about it.” Toshida points out mercilessly.  
  
Jun blushes. “Well, yes, but… he didn’t mean to. And I hit him really hard anyways, he also sprained his ankle. So…”  
  
“I know.” Toshida smiles soothingly. “But mind games are dangerous, especially when a couple is as tensed as you two are. Or rather were. It worked out well, gladly, but there could have been a lot of damage done.”  
  
“He knows it too.” Jun points it out. “Sho knows it was a risky thing to do and he felt really guilty afterwards.”  
  
Toshida twinkles in his typical good-natured way. “I know that’s why I only scolded him during the last two sessions, not three.”  
  
Jun smiles slightly. “As long as you don’t give him that much of a hard time, it’s okay.”  
  
“Well, thank you for your approval.” Toshida laughs. “Back to topic. I was really shocked to receive a second call. I expected the worst. But I assume it has nothing to do with Sho-san playing a trick on you?”  
  
“Nothing like that. It’s something completely different,” Jun explains, and Toshida sighs in relief. He leads Jun to his study, and before the door is even closed behind him, Jun can’t hold back anymore and just has to vent out his anger. “This family meetings are like a trip to hell,” he huffs. “I mean seriously. A whole evening with the grandfather rambling something about samurai-friendship because he can’t accept that his grandson likes another man, the father glaring and making suggestive comments about how I’m not the right partner for Sho… one can lose his sanity. Then, always, someone starts crying. Oh dear, and you know what? His brother’s girlfriend can’t even spell correctly! And his female cousin is having an affair with her university professor. Talking about perfect partners.”  
  
Toshida tilts his head, like he tries to solve the puzzle pieces Jun just offered him. “Family meeting at Sho-san’s place?” he finally asks. When Jun nods, Toshida smiles sympathetically. “It has to be hard for you.”  
  
“For me!?” Jun huffs. “I don’t give a shit, to be honest. I’m only there once a year, maybe twice. But Sho-san doesn’t deserve this! They should respect him for the many things he did for the family and for what he means to the public. Damn it. How can they treat him like that? He is a good guy. Why is it so important if he likes men or women? Does that erase all the awesome things he does throughout the year or his kindness? He is freaking clumsy when being kind and a bit awkward in his compliments, but each of his compliments or nice words actually mean something. They are not just words. He doesn’t lie about these things. How dare they not respect him! They should kiss the floor he is walking on, seriously.” He tries to catch his breath before he can continue his rant, then however he sees the smile on Toshida’s face. He blushes slightly. “What is it?” he asks nervously.  
  
“Nothing,” Toshida chuckles. “It’s just nice to see you going from doubting Sho-san and not able to show him your feelings to actually defending him – twice today, if I may add so - and being mad at his place.”  
  
“It’s just…” Jun sighs. “I love him. Everyone should see how good he is, especially his family.”  
  
Toshida smiles happily. “It’s probably enough for him that you see him like that, don’t you think so? You two have finally started to work with each other instead of against each other and it gives him some much needed strength.” When Jun can only shrug and nod helplessly, Toshida grins contently. “Talking about… when is your trip?”  
  
“Next week,” Jun answers immediately, not able to hide the happy smile spreading on his face.  
  
“So, since you are already here, let’s go through your to-do list,” Toshida points out.  
                                         
Jun smiles slightly. “You mean, my not-to-do list?” Jun teases.  
  
The other man chuckles. “You could also call it like that. So?”  
  
“Okay.” Jun takes a deep breath. “I won’t run away from Sho-san in case we happen to argue.”  
  
“Fine, what else?”  
  
“I,” Jun sighs. “I will try not to lock myself in a room either. In case of a mental breakdown it would be too difficult for Sho-san to reach me.”  
  
Toshida grins. “You will _try_? As far as I remember I said: You shouldn’t. Nothing about _trying_ not to.”  
  
Jun frowns. This guy can be a jerk too, actually, but that’s probably his job.  
  
Toshida’s grin widens. “You were just thinking that I’m an idiot, didn’t you?”  
  
Jun decides this is definitely not something to answer to. Instead he scribbles the rules down in his notebook. “Fine, I won’t lock myself into a room. But I will not promise not to hide in a room, door unlocked. If Sho-san enters then, it’s on his own danger. I can’t guarantee his complete safety then.”  
  
Toshida smiles. “Sounds better to me. What else?”  
  
“In case we argue…” Jun frowns. “I’ll try not to throw any insults at his head and-“ When Toshida is about to say something, Jun raises his hands in annoyance. “Fine,” he sighs. “I won’t simply try it… I will _not do_ it.”  
  
There is something else though. Something Jun doesn’t know how to address. He has lost most of his shyness around his therapist and isn’t getting embarrassed easily anymore. He has learned to be all natural around him because it makes things easier. But this here is a bit different…  
  
“Kenichi-san,” Jun pauses, biting down on his lips nervously and in embarrassment. “I never believed I would ever ask something like that so bluntly… but… you are not only a therapist for relationships, but also…”  
  
“For sexual topics, yes,” Toshida says casually. “It comes with being a therapist for marriages and relationships. It’s not possible to separate these two things.” He looks at Jun for a while, apparently waiting for Jun to say something, but as Jun doesn’t know how to continue, he asks more directly. “What do you want to know, boy?”  
  
Jun, pretty used to Toshida calling him boy and young man by now (other than Sho, who sometimes tells Jun irritated that Toshida treated him like a teenage boy again), sighs. “I just wondered,” he admits.  
  
“Kid,” Toshida laughs. “This is my job. Nothing is embarrassing. Just ask.”  
  
Fine. So be it. “A few months ago you told me definitely not to try something… too extreme with Sho-san, didn’t you? I mean in bed”  
  
“You want to know if I think you are ready to do it now?”  
  
Jun shrugs nervously. “I wouldn’t ask,” he stutters. “But our last attempt failed miserably, as you know, and…”  
  
“Jun-san,” Toshida offers him a cup of coffee and some onigiri Yuko made. “Eat something. You need to chill and calm down. Being embarrassed is actually not so much like you.”  
  
“You are right,” Jun chuckles. “It’s more Sho-san’s forte to be embarrassed when talking about sex.” Toshida grins and Jun finally gives himself a mental kick in the butt (and takes one of the onigiri). “I’m just scared that it will fail again. It’s just the both of us on this vacation, and I really want to enjoy it with Sho-san. I would actually like to try to give him what I couldn’t last time.”  
  
“Do you trust Sho-san?” Toshida wants to know.  
  
Jun frowns slightly. “Truth to be told. 95% yes. There remains some doubt, but we are talking about it regularly.”  
  
To his surprise Toshida seems to be very content with his answer. He nods approvingly, before he points with his cigar at Jun. “A safe-word, Jun-san.”  
  
Jun’s eyes widen for a moment. Does that mean… He shakes his head, focusing immediately on what his therapist and friend tells him.  
  
“Talk exactly about what you want to try,” Toshida continues, unusually earnest. “And when I say exactly, I mean exactly. In all detail. So that you won’t feel insecure. Don’t forget that it was a difficult situation for Sho-san too as he was almost doing something you weren’t ready for. That’s why you need to settle for being specific and it’s also why I would advise you not to play any role-plays. For Sho-san it’s probably easier to read the mood when you are just being yourself. Don’t go for tying your hands, covering your eyes and any kind of mouth-gags all at once. One after another. I would suggest the ties first, because I assume eye contact will be important for you.”  
  
Again Jun nods, and scribbles his therapist’s advice down. Quite some information. “And, the most important-“ Toshida uses his finger now to point at Jun in what’s apparently supposed to be an intimate gesture. It fails miserably. He still looks like a casual, relaxed surfing buddy. “If I hear afterwards that you did anything like that while you were actually angry or in one of your after-fight-dazes, I will personally haunt the BOTH of you and yell at you.”  
  
Jun laughs. When Toshida glares at him, he bites down on his lips, but he can’t help a few chuckles escaping his mouth. “I’m sorry,” he breaths out. “But… hearing such a threat from you is so unusual.”  
  
Toshida’s lips tug, until he finally chuckles. “You…You are impossible.” He smiles. “I was trying to get my point across here.”  
  
“You did,” Jun reassures him. “Neither Sho nor I will sink that low to try something like that while being majorly angry with each other.”  
  
“Then I can trust you, Jun-san?” Toshida asks.  
  
Jun nods firmly. “I promise, you can.”  
  
“Fine, because believe me, I’ll get really mad when you guys do anything like that.” Toshida sighs. “I’ll have a talk with Sho-san this week too. And though we normally don’t do that, this time I want you to warn him that I’m going to talk to him about this rather delicate topic.”  
  
“Sure.” Jun nods though he can’t help but pity Sho a bit. Sho is not good when talking with strangers about his sex life. “But…” he blushes. “Please be nice, okay?”  
  
Toshida laughs heartedly. “Don’t worry, I’ll be as sensitive as I can.”  
  
  
**A/N:** I'm sorry I couldn't update last week, but I'm back from my vacation now, and I promise a regular update each Sunday again :D  
This time it's a longer chapter. I hope you won't mind ^^ Jun and Sho finally went on their joint therapy session ^^  


  
 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
Jun bites into his forearm to stop his giggling, his fingers are wrapped around the silk ties that bind him to the bedframe. He and Sho have settled for giving him enough room to move though and not be restrained too strictly.  
  
“You are not supposed to laugh,” Sho obviously tries to sound firm, but chuckles as well. He is rubbing the end of the wooden spoon between the cleft of Jun’s ass and spins it around teasingly. Then he smacks Jun’s butt with the round end of it firmly.  
  
“Ouch.” Jun jumps a little when the implement makes contact with his naked butt. Then he grins. “I just can’t believe you actually brought that spoon along.”  
  
“Well, I don’t forget my promises,” Sho jokes, and smacks him again. Wherever the spoon makes contact with his skin there remains a stinging, hot feeling on it, and before the pain grows cold Sho has already spanked him again.  
  
Jun jumps when Sho hits a particular sensitive spot.  
  
“Hm,” Sho hums and rubs his fingers over the spot he just hit. Jun moves against his touches, trying to feel more of Sho’s fingers there. “This is a sensitive spot,” Sho whispers. “I might want to remember that.”  
  
Jun can feel his finger circle the lower area of his butt, right where his thighs begin. Sho bends forward and kisses the spot lightly, his tongue licking it teasingly.  
  
“Sho-san,” Jun whines. “You are teasing.”  
  
“Of course I am.” Sho mumbles and his teeth suddenly scratch over Jun’s abused skin. “And I’ll tease you a lot more, my sweetheart,” he snickers, sending a shiver over Jun’s spine. “Lift your hips a bit,” he demands.  
  
Jun follows his orders, moaning in surprise when Sho suddenly touches his sensitive dick. Then he feels something cold wrapped around it. “Let’s see how you like that,” Sho teases when he put the cock ring around Jun’s dick. Jun groans in annoyance, earning him another smack with the spoon.  
  
“You are enjoying this way too much,” he whines, making Sho chuckle.  
  
“A moment ago you said you liked it,” Sho mock-muses earnestly. “Should I stop?”  
  
“Don’t dare to, you idiot,” Jun huffs, but he knows he doesn’t really mean his little insult, and Sho knows it too. It’s too obvious by the way he lets his hand glide over the curve of Jun’s butt.  
  
“I think your butt should be a religion,” Sho muses.  
  
Hadn’t Jun been tied to the bed, he would have doubled over in laughter. “What? You are so silly. I thought you would be smarter. Did you really graduate from Keio university?”  
  
Sho chuckles and smacks Jun’s butt again, making him hiss and laugh at the same time.  
  
“You talk too much,” Sho analyses dryly and slaps Jun’s butt firmly. “I think you should make better use of your potty mouth.”  
  
“Hm,” Jun hums. “Maybe.”  
  
“Hold that.” Sho snickers slightly and squeezes the spoon between Jun’s butt cheeks, making him clench his muscles around it so that it won’t drop down. “I’ll spank you more in case you drop it,” he warns him.  
  
Jerk. He is such a jerk. But a hot one. “Admit it,” Jun teases when Sho is in front of him all of a sudden, unbuttoning his trousers and pushing them down. “You were just waiting for an excuse to make me blow you.”  
  
“Of course,” Sho admits dryly. “My sweetheart is way too stingy with his goodies after all.”  
  
“You know you could have just asked,” Jun points out with a smirk.  
  
“I could have.” Sho grins, his fingers suddenly diving through Jun’s hair before they tug at it to pull his head up. “But this here is more fun.” He lets go of Jun’s hair, the back of his hand moving over Jun’s cheek softly, before his fingers pass his lips. Sho’s thumb pushes past his lips, resting on the bottom part of his teeth and opens his mouth like that.  
  
For a moment Jun blinks. Sho is still wearing his pants after all, what does he want him to do? Sho smiles. “Undress me,” he says.  
  
God, he is so hot when he is like that. Jun complies, using his teeth to pull down Sho’s pant, revealing his already pretty hard erection. He gives an experimental lick to the tip first before he starts kissing and licking at the shaft. Sho moans, biting down on his lips, and it sends shivers of satisfaction over Jun’s spine to be able to make Sho react like that. Hence he doubles his efforts, sucking and licking at Sho’s dick, taking it into his mouth completely until his lips touch Sho’s balls. His gagging reflex has always been good.  
  
He has it under full control, letting Sho’s cock slip out of his mouth a bit to suck him properly, until he can feel Sho’s fingers wander down his chest and squeezing one his nipples. He moans in surprise, relaxing his muscles immediately in shock and letting the spoon drop down. Sho chuckles, and Jun knows that he did it on purpose. He can’t complain though because the look in Sho’s eyes is so hot like he is on fire. And Jun doesn’t mind being on fire together with him.  
  
Sho pulls his dick out of Jun’s mouth, smirking slightly. “Turn on your back,” he demands and picks up the spoon. For the moment he puts it to the side though. “Spread your legs.”  
  
Sho bends down and kisses Jun’s stomach. He moves his lips up, sucking at one of his nipples while he pushes Jun’s legs further apart. Then Jun can hear how Sho opens the bottle with lube, and soon feels Sho’s fingers probing his entrance. He pushes in two at once, making Jun moan at the sudden intrusion. It burns a little, but Sho uses plenty of lube, preparing and stretching him properly, until Jun feels like his mind is going crazy. Then there is something hard against his entrance. He doesn’t even know when Sho managed to get a butt plug. For a while Sho keeps fucking him with the plug, lazily so, until he finally pushes it in completely.  
  
“I think.” Sho bends forward, nibbling at Jun’s ear. “I told you, you get punished for dropping the spoon.”  
  
He agrees to it. Before he even realizes, he has breathed out. “You did.”  
  
“Raise your legs,” Sho demands.  
  
Jun blinks for a moment, but does what Sho wants him to. He blushes and grins at the same time. “I can’t believe you are making me work out, Sho-san!”  
  
Sho laughs too now, kissing Jun’s cheek softly. “You can handle ten?”  
  
“I’m pretty sure,” Jun nods reassuringly.  
  
“You tell me when it gets too much?” Sho says and brushes his thumb over Jun’s neglected dick. He hisses at the feeling.  
  
“Yes,” he breaths out. “I promise.”  
  
“I’ll be mad if you don’t,” Sho warns him.  
  
Jun chuckles. “Is that a promise or a threat?”  
  
Sho laughs softly. “Tease. You are spending way too much time with our dear Nino it seems.”  
  
“Because my own workaholic boyfriend neglects me,” Jun jokes, making Sho chuckle.  
  
“Remember the safeword,” Sho says once more, a cute worried frown on his forehead. He can be so adorably caring.  
  
“Sho-san, I promise. Don’t worry. I won’t let you do anything that makes us both miserable.”  
  
Sho nods, and picks up the spoon. “Count down from ten,” he demands.  
  
Jun takes a deep breath. “Ten,” he begins, and just as he breathed it out, the round end of the spoon meets his already sensitive backside. He continues to count down, with each time the pain getting more real and the sting more intense. Sho places his strength with intent, not to do any real damage but still to make it sting. The last swat comes in unison with Jun’s one, and he inhales sharply at the impact, the sight in front of him getting white for a moment. He lets his legs drop down in exhaustion, not even realizing how they were shaking slightly. He is panting heavily.  
  
“Kinky bastard,” he curses, but can’t hide the tone of satisfaction in his voice.  
  
“Hm,” Sho hums softly. “Only because I love you.”  
  
Jun can’t help a chuckle. When Sho grabs his legs and pushes them apart, his lips suddenly sucking at his inner thighs, he forgets all complaints and teasing though. Sho does wonderful things with his lips and teeth, scratching and teasing and licking at the abused skin softly, and Jun is glad that they still have two days at the cottage. He won’t need to make up any excuses for a sore butt at work, because he is damn sure he won’t want to sit down all day tomorrow.  
  
Sho’s finger moves past the cleft of his butt, twisting the plug slightly and brushing it against Jun’s spot. “Oh god, Sho-san…” Jun cries out.  
  
“Say it,” Sho demands. “Tell me to fuck you.”  
  
“Fuck me, you kinky ass,” Jun breaths out when Sho starts pushing the plug in and out slowly. Way too slowly.  
  
Sho chuckles. “Who can say no to such a sweet request,” he jokes, but apparently he is done with his teasing, because the plug gets removed all of a sudden, and Jun feels Sho’s upper thighs and hips pressed against his backside while Sho lifts his legs.  
  
He is gladly stretched so well already that Sho doesn’t need to waste any more time, just goes to fucking him thoroughly immediately. One of his hands rests on Jun’s stomach, the other continues to deliver slaps to his butt before Sho’s hand moves to Jun’s dick and works to remove the cockring. It’s like the pressure that’s swelled up inside him finally gets a valve to break free, and all Jun can do is throw his head back and grab his restraints to keep himself sane. He is sure he breaths out an incoherent mess of insults, I love yous and several versions of Sho’s name before he comes over his lover’s hands.  
  
Sho pushes into him with a few more strong pushes, before Jun can feel warm, sticky liquid filling him up. His lover drops down next to him with a helpless moan, his body shaking slightly. After a few seconds though he shows Jun a soft smile, presses his lips against his temples and frees him from his restraints.  
  
“Hey,” Jun mumbles when he nuzzles his nose into Sho’s hair. Sho’s fingers move over his wrists softly, probably to loosen up his tensed muscles. “You are good.”  
  
“Glad to hear you liked it.” Sho kisses the top of his head. “You are better.”  
  
Jun chuckles. “I’m not going to argue against that.”  
  
He can feel how Sho’s lips form into a smile. “Then let me help you clean up, and let’s go to sleep. I need you fit for tomorrow.” He whispers. “Because tomorrow I definitely want you to fuck _me_ properly.”  
  
  
 ~~~  
  
  
  
It’s thanks to Sho’s help that he doesn’t wake up sticky and sweaty the next morning. Sho has basically lured him to the bathtub, made his muscles relax and tried to sooth the pain away with oil and crème. And the first thing he has seen in the morning was Sho trying to make a fail-free breakfast. Cute.  
  
Still, as he predicted before he feels pretty sore from their session yesterday, which now leads to the both of them finding their way to the fluffy carpet of the living room to lie down and cuddle there.  
  
“I know, I shouldn’t praise my own work.” Sho has forced Jun to lie on his stomach, sitting on his legs now while he massages lavender oil into his skin. Both of them naked. They have come to the conclusion that they wouldn’t need any clothes this weekend. And in case they would want to eat something, underwear would be enough. Sho squeezes Jun’s butt teasingly, making Jun moan in pleasure and hiss in pain at the same time. “My handiwork is definitely good.”  
  
Jun laughs, pushing himself up on his elbow to look back at Sho. “Over-confident it seems. Modesty has never been your strong point.”  
  
“Who can blame me?” Sho grins. “All these nice shades of pink are almost artistic. Riida would be so proud of me.”  
  
They both giggle.  
  
“Hey Jun-san,” Sho bends forward, his lips brushing over Jun’s earlobe. “I didn’t forget what I promised you yesterday.”  
  
Jun blinks.  
  
Sho wriggles with his eyebrows, almost looking cute. “I want you to do me.”  
  
Hearing something like that, so shamelessly direct out of Sho’s mouth makes Jun shiver in anticipation. He has to hold back not get hard alone by the way Sho’s voice sounds right now and by the words he just said. He turns on the back, grabbing Sho’s hips so that he won’t drop down from him while he does so.  
  
“Tell me,” Sho teases. “How would you like to fuck me?”  
  
“Is it really okay to say it openly?” Jun wants to know.  
  
Sho grins, his fingers wandering down to Jun’s cock and stroking him lazily. “I wouldn’t have asked otherwise.”  
  
“I would love for you to ride me,” Jun admits because the mere fantasy of Sho actually riding his cock is something that goes beyond his imagination. He can imagine Sho beneath him on his back, in front of him on his knees. He can even see him with ties or with a blindfold, but he can’t imagine him sitting on his lap and riding him.  
  
Sho blushes slightly, his cheeks now wearing a cute tinge of red. “That’s what you want?”  
  
“We can always do it any other way in case you are feeling uncomfortable with it,” Jun offers immediately, smiling softly.  
  
Sho returns the smile, his fingertips wandering over Jun’s lips. “Hm,” he hums. “Why not give it a try? After all you gave everything of yourself to me yesterday.”  
  
“It’s not about give and take,” Jun says softly. “I felt comfortable with it yesterday. And I want you to be happy with whatever we do.”  
  
Sho chuckles. “Fluffball,” he jokes. “I always knew it.” He pokes Jun’s sides, grinning when Jun squeals in shock at the sudden tickling attack. “Ah,” Sho sighs. “You are so cute. Let’s see what other noises you can make.”  
  
“Tease,” Jun grins, pointing at the couch table. “Give me the lube.”  
  
“Look who is already getting bossy,” Sho jokes.  
  
“Well, that’s just thanks to a certain guy that made every muscle in my body hurt,” Jun shoots right back.  
  
Sho has the decency to blush slightly, and stretches to grab the lube. He throws it at Jun. “Who is the tease now,” he complains.  
  
Jun frowns. “Wait, how was that yesterday…? _You are talking too much. Make use of your potty mouth in a better way?_ ”  
  
Sho chuckles. “Apparently your memory isn’t influenced from yesterday’s action.”  
  
“Not at all.” Jun smiles, his fingers rubbing over Sho’s thighs.  
  
“What do you want me to do?” Sho wants to know, bending forward to kiss Jun.  
  
“Hm,” Jun whispers against his lips, all earnest now. “Would you be so kind and suck me, Sho-san?”  
  
“How could I say no when you ask so sweetly,” Sho smiles softly. He presses his lips against Jun’s neck, before Jun can feel how Sho slips downwards, his lips following and drawing warm patterns on his skin. When Jun feels Sho’s warm lips finally reaching his dick, going to business immediately, he has to suppress a moan from escaping his lips. Sho just started, he can’t already make that much embarrassing sounds.  
  
Sho chuckles, his tongue twirling around the tip of Jun’s cock. “There is a certain condition,” he mumbles. “I’ll do it exactly like you want it, but you don’t hold back any sounds. I want to hear you.”  
  
Ah, he is such a tease. Jun sighs and smiles at the same time. “You and your pervy mind,” he chuckles. Still, when Sho continues to blow him, he doesn’t hold back this time. His fingers grab the carpet beneath him, while he feels Sho’s warm breath, his lips and his tongue. He comes into Sho’s mouth, screaming out his name, just like Sho wanted him to.  
  
Sho grins contently. And then it’s suddenly him lying next to Jun on his stomach, and Jun’s fingers and lips teasing him. Jun takes his sweet time, wanting to make Sho worked up enough that he forgets about being embarrassed. He wants his skin to prickle and be at least as sensitive as Jun’s. He prepares Sho thoroughly, using enough lube to make three of his fingers slip in and out his hole easily. Soon he even adds a fourth finger, and Sho squirms and moans beneath his touches.  
  
“You are so hot,” Jun mumbles, and kisses Sho’s back. “I’m so close to just take you like this.”  
  
Sho chuckles and whines at the same time. “Anything you want, dear, but if I don’t feel you inside me anytime soon, I’m going nuts. And then you’ll have to deal with a crazy lunatic.”  
  
“And they say I’m the dramatic one,” Jun teases softly, but decides to give Sho what he asked for. He pulls him up, feeling how Sho straddles his hips. He steadies him a bit, trying to help him while he lowers himself on Jun’s hard erection.  
  
He feels so tight. So good. Jun is glad that Sho sucked him before because he is sure he would have only lasted a few minutes with Sho’s muscles clenching around him like that. So hot. He loves it when Sho dominates him and when Sho is the one fucking him, but this here is awesome too.  
  
Sho adapts to the intrusion soon, starting to move his hips. For a guy that’s normally not that flexible, he uses his hips almost too well. Jun lets him ride him for a while, just enjoying the sensation and the image in front of him – it feels so surreal – before he grabs Sho’s legs to hold him in place and starts pushing up his hips against Sho’s.  
  
Sho gasps. “Fuck, Jun-san,” he moans out. “Yes…. Ah…”  
  
Sho’s eyes are dazed, almost glassy and dark. Jun just loves this look, hence he doubles his efforts, circling his hips until Sho drops forward, only keeping upright thanks to his palms against the floor. Jun smirks and while he keeps fucking Sho like that, he helps Sho up again and pushes his legs further apart. He loves seeing Sho that exposed and vulnerable, he is so hot like that. “Jun,” Sho whines. “Oh my god, please…”  
  
Jun chuckles sand starts stroking Sho’s dick with fast and strong movements, his thumb brushing over the tip skilfully, until a shiver runs through Sho’s body and he breaks down for a moment, coming all over Jun’s hand and stomach while he cries out his name.  
  
“So good, Sho,” he whispers. “You are so hot.”  
  
Sho hums slightly, pushing himself up again, and leaning backwards to give Jun a better angle. He tightens his muscles around Jun’s dick, while he circles his hips, and the sight in front of Jun’s eyes gets white all of a sudden, all his muscles tensing up before he finds his release for the second time today, and for the fourth since yesterday night. And probably not the last for this weekend.  
  
Sho drops down next to him tiredly, and Jun wraps an arm around him immediately. He pulls him closer until he can feel Sho’s warm breath against his neck. “This was amazing, Sho-san,” he mumbles. “Thank you.”  
  
Sho chuckles. “Anytime, really. Give me time to recover and I’ll take you up on your offer to fuck me from behind. But don’t forget I have my plans too.”  
  
Jun smiles, kissing Sho’s forehead softly. “Do your plans involve that package of ice-cubes in the freezer and the blind-fold on the table?”  
  
Sho laughs slightly. “Why, are you interested?”  
  
“Depends on how you’ll seduce me into it,” Jun jokes. “And what you offer in return.”  
  
“Believe me,” Sho snorts. “I have the one or other idea, I’m confident I will convince you.”  
  
Jun laughs.  
  
  
  
  
Later that day Jun cooks something for them. He makes udon with shrimps, and sea weed salad, and tuna sushi and deep fried vegetables.  
  
“We burned a lot of calories since yesterday,” he jokes.  
  
Sho chuckles. “True,” he says with a smile, gladly not pointing out that he knows Jun is just cooking it for him, to make him happy. Instead he lets Jun feed him with a piece of fried vegetables, and of course cries out how good it tastes. It took Jun a while to realize it, but now he knows. It’s enough for them to know that sometimes they want to pamper each other, it doesn’t always need to be voiced out. Sometimes a freshly cooked dinner, a surprise present ( ~~or a surprise blow-job~~ ), caring gestures and warm words mean a lot more. After all he knows that Sho loves him. And Sho knows Jun loves him.

 

A/N:  
Almost at the end :D And we had a lot of sex here. *lol* Sorry for 4000 words of smut ^^  



	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going to have some passionate scenes, and will also contain the typical Sakumoto angst and quite some complicated feelings ^^ It was originally meant to have short chapters - some are a little longer though.

  
**Four months later:**  
  
“Ah, Sho-san,” Jun sighs while he gets out of the car. “I’m sorry, we did it again.”  
  
Sho nods meekly while he follows Jun over the street towards a well-known house. They are joining an invitation at Toshida-sensei’s home right now. Sometimes he invites some of his patients he became friends with… when they aren’t regulars anymore. Jun meets Toshida only occasionally now, and not because of Sho anymore but because of other things like stress, work… basically like Ohno does it. And Sho too. Once a month they visit him as a couple, just to keep a pattern and talk about their problems regularly.  
  
They have learned to fight and argue differently and in a more constructive way. Last night though it escalated, for the first time since months, and Sho dodged a cup flying in his direction, and Jun some of Sho’s harsh words.  
  
It took them only two hours until they jumped each other.  
  
Jun moves his arm a bit, his muscles are aching slightly. As mostly when they fought before and vent out their anger and frustration afterwards it wasn't particularly controlled vanilla sex.  
  
Jun rings the door, while Sho takes his hand. “Jun-san, I-” he starts, but they get interrupted by Toshida opening the door.  
  
“My wife won’t let me in the kitchen,” he complains instead of a greeting.  
  
Jun can’t help a grin. “I can help her, if you want me to,” he offers and when Toshida nods in relief, Jun has to chuckle. He follows him through the living room to the kitchen.  
  
“Jun-san.” Yuko seems to be relieved to see him. “Thank god. You came in time to keep my husband from the kitchen. He is a natural catastrophe.”  
  
“It can’t be that bad?” Sho asks, half towards Toshida, half towards Yuko, while Jun shoves him on a chair to keep him from touching anything of the food. If Toshida was a catastrophe in the kitchen, Sho would probably be the personification of a tornado.  
  
“You know, Kenichi even managed to burn noodles once,” she complains towards Jun. "And he still refuses to listen to me and not touch anything in the kitchen."  
  
Jun grins. “Well, Sho-san can’t even wash salad, and won't leave the kitchen either. That’s how I learned to be multi-tasking, you know.”  
  
“Hey,” Sho complains, pouting slightly while Toshida grins.  
  
“I guess, Sho-san wins then,” he jokes. “But don’t worry. I guess I come as a close second.”  
  
Much to Jun’s relief and joy Sho has to laugh too now, his tension slowly subsiding. He nods thankfully when Toshida offers him a glass with wine and sits down next to him, while Jun attends to Yuko’s salad.  
  
~~~  
  
Later that evening when they are alone for a while because Yuko prepares dessert and Toshida-sensei received an important call from one of his patients, Sho takes Jun’s hand and tugs him to the bathroom. He closes the door behind them firmly, then he takes Jun’s face between his hands, his thumbs brushing over his cheeks softly.  
  
“Dear.” He forces Jun to bend forward a bit to kiss him. And Jun happily lets him, while wrapping his arms around his waists. “I couldn’t finish what I wanted to say before.”  
  
“And what’s that?” Jun asks curiously.  
  
“I personally think we are a perfect couple,” Sho points out confidently.  
  
“Really?” Jun sighs. “Other perfect couples don’t have one party that throws cups at the other. They also don’t angry-fuck each other.”  
  
Sho chuckles. “So what? Sometimes we have a bad argument, other couples have that too, but it’s not like we fall back in bad patterns again only because of a fight. We are not like that anymore.” He smiles slightly. “It’s just… natural. Can’t we agree not to make a huge drama out of it? Because I think we are perfectly alright the way we are, although we slip sometimes.”  
  
Jun lets the words sink in before he smiles. “That’s just _natural_?” He grins all of a sudden as an idea strikes him. While he was helping Yuko-san.... “You had a private moment with Kenichi-san before and talked to him about what happened, didn’t you? And he told you not to worry.” When Sho blushes, Jun cracks a laugh, brushing over Sho’s cheek. “I knew it. You felt guilty, although I told you, you shouldn’t, and reassured you that I wanted it too.”  
  
“Like you didn’t feel guilty.” Sho points out with a frown. When Jun raises his eyebrows, he sighs. “I know, I know, I’m making things more dramatic than they are,” he gives in. “But you know, as a man I just want to make my love happy. I need to work more on myself. That’s why I needed Kenichi-san’s opinion.”  
  
Jun blinks. “As a man?” he mimics, voice dripping with sarcasm. “And what am I? A duck?”  
  
Sho smacks him playfully. “You know what I mean.”  
  
“I do.” Jun nods reassuringly before he bends forward to kiss Sho’s temples. “Okay, so… let’s finally accept that it’s simply us,” he says earnestly now. “You are right. We are perfectly fine the way we are.”  
  
They just need to accept that sometimes they fight, and sometimes Jun throws things at Sho, that sometimes Sho likes to do him rough and that sometimes Jun likes to be taken rough. As long as it doesn’t happen regularly and they talk about it afterwards, it’s nothing to worry about. It’s just who they are.  
  
“Yes. After all…” Sho’s finger slips past Jun’s turtle neck, pulling it down and revealing some red marks there. “I’m not feeling guilty seeing that.”  
  
“Cute.” Jun smirks. “Like a dog that’s marking its territory.”  
  
“Ugh, cheeky.” Sho chuckles. “I guess I want to spank you again in near future. That one time at the cottage wasn't enough.”  
  
Ah, the cottage. They should visit it again in near future. “Hm.” Jun tugs at Sho’s belt daringly. “But this time I don’t want to feel a cheap spoon but nice expensive leather.”  
  
Something inside Sho’s eyes flickers. He is so easy to turn on, Jun thinks, but it’s cool. He loves Sho’s passionate side. “So, we agree that we are perfect the way we are?”  
  
“Hm,” Sho hums. “And the perfect me can’t wait to lay you tonight.”  
  
“Ah, Sakurai-sama,” Jun teases. “You need to put a bit more effort into seducing me. Or am I that easy to get?”  
  
Sho smirks. “I think I might get slapped if I answer to that.”  
  
Jun grins and smacks Sho’s cheek before he kisses him. They are about to deepen their kiss, when there is a knock at the door, making them basically jump apart.  
  
“You are not doing anything dirty in there,” Ohno’s voice comes from the other side. “I just arrived and if Sho is blowing you right now, Jun, I might need a therapist afterwards.”  
  
“Good for you one is already there,” Jun retorts while Sho pouts. Jun blinks. “What?” he whispers.  
  
“Why does Ohno-kun think I’m blowing you? And not the other way round?” he complains.  
  
Ah, he can be so silly sometimes. Jun just rolls his eyes in amusement.  
  
Sho however has a new look of determination in his eyes. “Now I know what I want to achieve tonight,” he says while Jun opens the door.  
  
Jun grins. “Let’s see how much I’m willing to give,” he teases.  
  
“God,” Ohno giggles when he sees Jun’s smile and Sho’s finger wrapped around Jun’s wrist. “You two are so mushy it’s unbelievable.”  
  
Jun decides it’s better not to say something, instead he follows his friend outside. Midway Sho tugs at his arm and smiles. “See, he called us mushy? There is nothing wrong with us.”  
  
“Of course there isn’t, after all I love you, you idiot,” Jun answers immediately, blushing slightly when he realizes what he just said.  
  
Sho winks slightly when they reach the terrace and he obviously can’t answer to Jun’s confession directly. “Just wait until we are home and I’m so going to show you my very positive opinion towards your person.”  
  
Jun grins. With that approach Sho might just be able to seduce him the second they are back home. What did he say again before? He wants Jun to blow him? Hm, Jun hums slightly, glad tomorrow is Sunday, and free.

 

 

 **A/N:** OMG, I can't believe it ended! It feels like I posted this forever :D  
Thank you thank you thank you to all of you who read this and especially to all of you who showed me so much support. Each and every of your comments made me so happy ♥

Now I'm wondering what to post next. Fridays is for my Junba, but I have another Sakumoto ready as well. Might just start posting it from next Sunday on ^^ I have a shorter one from an exchange.and a longer one... all new. ^^ Ugh, decisions... not my forte :D

But I'm rambling!  
I hope you liked the last chapter, although it was more like an epiloge and was supposed to round things up. Thanks for being on this board with me <3


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